Good Puppet Bad Puppet

A New Year Means Same Ol’ Resolutions

2011-01-04T13:43:00.001-07:00

A year ago I probably promised I'd change my life for the better and maybe even make an effort to Blog more here. None of that happened. I sputtered out sharing my thoughts with the Blog and I didn't do much to make my life special. Not like it's horrible, but I do spend too much time playing XBOX or sleeping on the weekends.

I have tried to do a chore reward system in which I get XBOX time for each hour I work or each chore I do. That seems to help get stuff accomplished, but I shouldn't have to do it that way. My motivation level is low as is my will power.

Anyways, in 2011 I have some stuff happening at work that should challenge me with a new phone system which is giving us fits. At home, we now have multiple bills that require more funds we don't have (causing me to be more creative with the budget).

The pets are healthy so far and the grandkids are doing great. Still wish the step-kids would get their crap together and let my wife keep the money she's working hard to earn to herself. But that is between them and as long as it doesn't jeopardize our finances I am ok with it…for now.

So we'll see how 2011 works out and whether I can actually fulfill a resolution or two.

But don't bet on it.

Go Congress!

2010-12-22T16:00:00.003-07:00

Now this is the kind of lame-duck session I can get behind! DADT repealed, tax deal done (even though the rich got too many breaks still...), 911 responders bill passed (what was the GOP's problem with this one, they wrap themselves up in 911 all the time but won't help the first responders what BS), nuke treaty passed. Good thing Congress got so much done while they could before January when the No-publicans take over. You have to admit Obama killed it at the buzzer, ended the year on a great note.

PETA

2010-02-04T13:19:00.001-07:00

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

Not really.

Pricks Existing To Annoy.

Most of the time I scan Google headlines to see what's happening and also listen to the news on the radio. Although most of this is a 10-15 second sound clip, it does come up with some totally ridiculous items.

Like PETA complaining about Groundhog day.

"An animal rights group wants organizers of Pennsylvania's Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it's unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany tens of thousands of revelers each Feb. 2 in Punxsutawney, a tiny borough about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. PETA is suggesting the use of an animatronic model."

I can understand this group picketing Michael Vick or even a moose killer in MN, but coming up with this asinine complaint when they don't even pay attention to the groundhogs prior (or after) Feb 2^nd is not amusing but stupid. If this group wants to better their public image instead of looking like a bunch of psycho retards, then stick to the serious animal cruelty crimes.

Like trying to place ads on fire trucks boycotting KFC because they (KFC) are donating smoke alarms and extinguishers with their logo on it to promote hot wings…

Oh wait, another jackass statement by the Pricks Existing to Annoy.

Where to Start

2010-02-02T12:44:00.001-07:00

There have been so many things happening lately and I don't know where to start.

At work we're going through some restructure and some pending ones that will shake up my working universe greatly. One is that they are making my position salary instead of hourly which sucks since being a 2 person staff fielding almost 1500 calls a month it's tough to work only 8hrs a day. But, what happens is going to happen regardless of my opinion and I will just have to deal.

On the political front I always question why we have concerts or charities to assist in some foreign tragedy instead of helping our own homeless, poor, aged, unemployed, etc. So big freakin deal your island paradise got shat on my an earthquake. Half our country is being foreclosed or going bankrupt. Help at home should take precedent over another country. Cut off ALL foreign aid to any country not containing USA in the name.

With regards to the bullshit Pro Bowl; jeez where to begin…. It had to be one of the most boring displays of entertainment since Land of the Lost. I actually didn't mind it is the weekend before the Super Bowl considering Peyton and Brees will have the spotlight all to themselves – as deserved. I had an issue with the campiness and lack of effort given to the playing of this game. Maybe if they placed monetary or even another reward for winning it might get better. Also, I think even if a player is voted to the pro-bowl and can't play due to injury they should be there in person for the fans to see. We fill the seats in the freezing cold while players sit on heated benches. We buy $7 beers while they get water freely squirted into their mouths by gay water boys. They should at least be there for us to see. Fuck em if they don't want to go cuz they cant play. Man the fuck up and make an appearance – FAVRE(you Loser douche).

Anyways, more crap later in the week when I can wrap my head around something more substantial.

Fiction in February

2010-02-01T12:29:00.002-07:00

Going to try to write some very short fiction pieces this month, here is the first piece.

Uppercut

By Dan Blunk

Tired and sore from another long night of sparring down at Mabel’s, Theo Barnett unlocked the front door of his dingy apartment and found himself staring at the glint from the barrel of a tiny handgun across his dining room.

“Hello, Theo,” said a dark, not unfriendly, feminine voice from the shadows. “As I’m sure you are aware even from nearly 20 feet away in the near dark, this is a Bersa Thunder 380 ACP handgun,” the voice said. “Some consider it the minimum size weapon for self-defense,” she continued in a very casual, conversational tone, as if she were speaking to a stranger at the bus stop about the weather. “It’s weaker even than a .38 Special.”

“Marlene…” Theo croaked tiredly before tossing his worn U.S. Special Forces issue gym bag to the hardwood floor.

“Not finished yet, Theo,” she said, not yet having moved from the shadows of the living room. The steel door to Theo’s apartment was still half-open behind him, throwing a dirty lemon wedge of hallway light across the dark dining room floor, partially illuminating a pair of pointy-toed, strappy black leather high heels.

“So, the Thunder 380,” she continued casually, “…not much of a gun, you might say.” Theo watched the black high heels—the only thing he could really see in the darkened room other than the glint from the little popgun she held—glide a bit closer. As she moved toward him, cat-like, the dirty lemon wedge of light from the hallway began to take hold, eventually illuminating the outline of an expensive-looking raincoat. Theo had seen such raincoats before, of course. It was the kind of raincoat that high-end girls wore before starting their act, in order to properly set the tone for what lay just beneath it, just out of reach but for a slight wisp of waterproof, well-made cloth. At one time Marlene had been quite effective at driving him wild with such things. But that was long ago, before she’d lost her mind.

“Still though,” she continued, “puny as this little gun is….it would still be enough to move a good part of your pitiful little brain from your skull out onto the floor where it belongs.” Her voice had gone from casually sensual to something else. It was still soft and even, but it had developed a hard, crystalline edge. But somehow Theo, the well-trained Special Forces operative who had long ago turned mercenary, a man whose life literally depended on making the right call at zero-hour, had missed it.

Instead, Theo was thinking about what Marlene had just said and how, as with much of what Marlene said, it left him with an unreasonably powerful urge to roll his eyes. Marlene had once told him that if the International Olympic Committee ever accepted eye-rolling as a medal sport, he was guaranteed to take the gold. This had been long ago, just before they had gone to Hong Kong in search—successful as it turned out—of the career score, before things went completely sideways between them. She had then pointed out that—heartless, greedy son of a bitch that he was—he would sell his gold medal for cash at the first opportunity. Naturally, at the time, this had made Theo want to roll his eyes.

Still mostly in the shadows, Marlene stepped over to the small table in the center of the dining room, keeping the little popgun pointed straight at the Panda tattoo on Theo’s bare chest, which was visible through the opening in the fighting Gi he wore to sparring sessions at Mabel’s. Not minding the gun any longer and tiring of the game, Theo reached behind him and snapped on the light.

There, on the cheap dining room table was a brand new Mettler Toledo scale still in its wrappings, beside it sat a case of similarly unopened Kosher salt. And in the center of the table were 10 neatly stacked kilo-sized packages of what he took to be very high-grade merck cocaine. A lot of cocaine. Enough cocaine to occupy a large part of his mind for the next few critical moments.

“What are you into girl?” he asked her distractedly, unable to take his eyes off the items on the table. Not for the first time he looked right past the very attractive, tall, and deeply disturbed woman, whose perfect figure was silhouetted nicely in the London Fog coat.

Always good with numbers, Theo did some quick, grim calculations. He was 38 years old and in great shape physically, considering. The coke on the table was worth at least a half-million dollars. Or, thinking of it in a slightly more valuable currency—as his years of Special Forces training had taught him—he valued the stash on his dining room table at about 30 years in the nearest SuperMax prison. Best case, were this to go bad and Johnny Law somehow saw the scene in his dingy little apartment, he’d spend the better part of 20 years getting tucked in at night by a fat, grouchy guy wearing a uniform. That would make him 58 when he got out.

Best case.

Theo rolled his eyes and grunted, annoyed now. He had to admit that what had drawn him to Marlene—in addition to her long athletic legs, beautiful long auburn hair and daring sensuality—was the drama, the excitement. The woman was completely full of shit, and he knew it. Hell, everyone knew it. She was a liar, a deceiver, slightly dangerous yes, but no real threat. She was a kind of thrilling toy, a too-sharp blade for some, but in the hands of a practiced woodcarver such as Theo saw himself, she was a slightly exotic, yet mundane tool. Theo had always, always had Marlene’s number.

It had been fun and exciting dealing with the bullshit at first, the drama, the trauma. But that had been a lifetime ago in Hong Kong and he had long since been cured of whatever had drawn him to her. And now he was tired, sweaty and sore from the gym, and irritated. He wanted a shower, some hot food, and this psychotic drama queen out of his goddam apartment.

“What do you want, you silly bitch.” It came out more a statement than a question. “I left you in Hong Kong better off than you ever would have been if I’d stayed. What, did you spend all the money already?” This last he spat out as if it were something that tasted disgusting, like a cucumber sandwich dipped in turpentine.

“Honestly, Theo, if you want to know the truth, it ISN’T ANY OF YOUR GODDAM BUSINESS!” she spit through clenched teeth. “Now close that fucking door before I blow your goddam head off your leatherneck, and get in here and I’ll say what I have to say.”

Theo grudgingly complied. When he turned around, he took his first good look at her. She looked better than the last time he’d seen her three years before. She’d been naked, hog-tied face-down in a tangle of deep Bermuda grass in the notorious Hong Kong drug district of Kowloon Walled City Park. That slutty red French lipstick she favored—Folie De Grenat Guerlain, how could he forget—smeared all over her face, mascara tears trickling down her face, her screaming at him in a whisper for fear a pimp would find her before a hopped up cokehead tourist. Bad as that sounded, it couldn’t touch what she’d had coming after what she’d pulled. As he’d made his way to the airport that long-ago night, the sounds of Hong Kong filling the air, he had considered how lucky the bitch was he’d left her alive. That hadn’t been his first inclination.

“You look good Marlene,” he said breezily, trying a different tack. He wandered toward the kitchen, where the fake bamboo shutters let in the last light of the late summer night over the ranges of the Cascades.

“Cut the shit, Theo. It ends tonight.”

He looked at her more closely, she really did look beautiful. And he knew it was no coincidence that she was wearing his favorite slutty red shade of that French lipstick. The bright, glistening red was in contrast to the drab, oversized London Fog raincoat she wore. Her long auburn hair hung down to the middle of her slender back. She may be crazy, and she definitely knew how to piss him off, but my, oh my, he thought to himself, she was one put-together woman.

“Look, let’s try to work this out, baby,” he said in an even voice. “It was all a misunderstanding. I’m sure you didn’t mean to tell the guys in my unit that I was dealing, and I’m sorry I left you like that, though you have to admit you had at least that coming.”

Marlene paused briefly and let out a dark, rich laugh. “So the Special Forces lion, the expert in psych-ops, years of training and that’s your gambit to get me over to your side? You really are a disappointment in every single way.” Now that hard, crystalline edge in her voice snapped along some dark fault-line and suddenly her green eyes grew icy and very far-away. She pulled the raincoat partly open revealing a glimpse of her beautifully toned body, decorated simply with black garters and thigh-high stockings.

And something else.

In the shadows of the raincoat, barely visible behind her athletic thighs, covered now with a light sheen of sweat, Theo saw something red flash. A light? A wire….?

Marlene slowly, sensually, reached into right pocket of the coat, while at the same time pulling the belt free with her left, pulling the coat open slowly to reveal six packets of C-4 neatly sewn into the webbing of each side of the coat, each the size of a hardcover book. Wires from each packet ran down behind her and back up her perfect legs and through the coat to the right pocket, where her French-manicured nails were wrapped around the detonator.

Theo spent his last few moments attempting one more grim calculation. She’d been very clever to distract him with the cocaine, it had definitely thrown him. Now he thought of the C-4. He’d never seen the amount now surrounding Marlene’s body detonated on any of the hundreds of missions he’d executed in the various backwaters and hellholes around the globe. He’d certainly done a lot of damage with a lot less. He pictured what was left of his mortal remains dropping with a splash a half block away in the pond at the entrance of Summervale Park, his other belongings shredded and fluttering down onto Healey Street, a macabre ticker-tape rain of papers, drugs, sparring gear.

But somehow, now that he was hopelessly boxed in, he couldn’t drum up a single regret. In fact, he felt an eerie calm. “I’ll be damned, Marlene,” he said with genuine admiration. “You finally learned how to sew.”

She pulled the detonator from her pocket and gave Theo a ‘fuck-you’ look.

“You’re a real son of a bitch, Theo,” she said in her last moment of madness, “it’s best this way.” Then the apartment was flooded with painless bright light and everything became nothing.

I guess Droid does do this...

2010-01-29T15:48:00.001-07:00

Ok, so i talked my company into getting me a Droid. I thought it might be an improvement over a blackberry but for now the jury is hung.

It does provide some corporate email functionality but for the love of gawd and moose i cant type on the touchscreen or keyboard.

For example. Tbhis sentgence i am typing with myh fat fingers on gthe keyhboard withoutg c@orrection.

tjoa pa using the touxhacrwwn

G

A

Y

Anyway I will give it a month and see if I can master it

My Dad loves Google more than he loves me

2010-01-26T14:37:00.003-07:00

I'm not complaining really. He used to take me and my brothers moose-watching up in northern Wisconsin when we were little and was a great Little League coach and was a really fun dad and a great provider. He never really griefed me about staying out late, he just figured I'd figure it all out myself. Which I did. Mostly. He didn't even get mad when I used to jump the 1978 Chrylser New Yorker Braughams Imperial over railroad track grades and bent the U-joint. (The car's nickname was The Beast--it had the original 440 engine and when I tell you it could have taken flight if it hadn't been loaded down with friends and beer, you have to know I am quite serious).

But these days, even though he has a cell phone, he has never to my knowledge learned to program phone numbers into it. So it's more a call reception device than a 'phone' the way most people understand and use them. I can't prove it, but since he calls my office phone at least as often as my cell phone #, and every time he mentions how good I look, I would bet my house that whenever he wants to talk to me, he has to Google my name (I am in the publishing industry and my name and picture are linked all over the Intertubes so I am unfortunately easy to find). I am not sure what that says about our relationship, but I'm sure it's not bad, he's probably just busy....right??

To give him full credit, my dad, who is as technology-ambivalent a person as I know (remember the cell phone bit, you should have seen him try to work the first VCR we had, if You Tube had been around then, he would have been a star), was the first person to talk to me about Google, back in 1997 or so. And now I know why. With Google, he doesn't hardly have to think or remember anything. Proper use of Google practically qualifies anyone as a genius, and he has no qualms using it just for that purpose. You type what you want to know into the search bar, and it spits out the right answer (usually) in less than a second, with pictures and video and the kitchen sink to boot.

How is that any different than actually knowing something yourself? Einstein was way slower than Google, and his answer didn't have handy jpeg illustrations. Any man of a certain age can appreciate the power that Google imparts to the user. Anyway, he told me to buy Google stock when it was $100 a share and now it's like a bazillion, so it's another example of how I should have listened to my old man, or at least listened to his interpretation of what Google told him. So if he has to use Google to find me, I guess it's no big deal. As long as he can remember to bookmark it.

A Day Late and a Dollar Short

2010-01-20T07:28:00.001-07:00

So I missed Blogging yesterday, but it's been a busy week already at work especially since I missed Monday due to illness.

And by illness I mean I was burnt out from a week of doing the entire support desk by myself (for the most part) and trying to come up with Moose themed posts.

Currently, I am debating two stories that I saw on the AP wire about moose cloning as well as an off-Broadway show regarding a 12yr old Moose hunter. Neither really seem interesting but since my life and my opinions are not all that interesting at the moment…well, actually never….I gave nothing else to do but think of stuff that might excite you in ways I could only hope to excite you.

I have broken one New Years resolution and that was to try and have a cup of water with each cup of coffee. I slacked off a couple times, however I have taken up green tea to start my day off with instead of coffee. So that sorta makes up for the missing water. But I haven't eaten fast food and aside from delaying this post a day I have blogged Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'll start looking at the news and see what I can vent about that might spark an interest. However I don't know if anything I pen can rival Loki's moose post and subsequent flame war with a juvenile dipshit who can't type or spell. I wonder if she's a product of our failing public schools or did her redneck father home school? I mean where else will she learn about camo, ammo, and moose calling? (and yes, I didn't have a third rhyming word)

We Interrupt Moose Killing for this Message…

2010-01-14T12:51:00.001-07:00

I saw this headline yesterday and it make me vomit.

"Pat Robertson says Haiti paying for 'pact to the devil'"

WTF. I am totally in shock this ass-tard would open his mouth and let something this absurdly retarded come out.

Here is more from the web report.

Pat Robertson, the evangelical Christian who once suggested God was punishing Americans with Hurricane Katrina, says a "pact to the devil" brought on the devastating earthquake in Haiti.

Officials fear more than 100,000 people have died as a result of Tuesday's 7.0-magnitude earthquake in Haiti.

Robertson, the host of the "700 Club," blamed the tragedy on something that "happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it."

The Haitians "were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever," Robertson said on his broadcast Wednesday. "And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.' True story. And so, the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' "

It's interesting to note that he apparently has either Satan's office bugged for sound or has a direct line to the dark one himself. I vote that he's his illegitimate son; born of a badger's egg and Satan's sperm.

I really think that the 12 yr old Moose killers really should band together to hunt this asshole out of existence.

Just Leave the Moose Alone

2010-01-12T18:34:00.012-07:00

MOOSE FAIL

As humans, for some reason, we fail to grasp the basic fact that we are part of a web of life. We are not the only creatures in the game. Yet we act like we are. I understand that people have the right to hunt, I have hunted myself (long ago), and I'm not anti-hunting. But I am anti-stupid. Hunters have every right to hunt. I know we need to eat (Whole Foods?)

But I absolutely reserve the right to mock them in some cases. Because killing for sport is a reminder of just how arrogant we humans are. Now, are moose smart? Hell no (but I bet they'd give Mark McGwire a run for his money). I mean look at this dumbass in the picture. Admittedly, I have witnessed similar scenes outside of certain Iowa university bars late at night (sometimes even in the daytime). But you know what? This moose is serving a useful purpose. Now if that 12-year-old girl from Minnesota had her way, the top of this statue would never really get clean. And who wants that? How about we leave the moose alone? I'm sure it's thrilling to hunt down a huge docile animal, an animal so fearsome, so ferocious that a 12-year-old girl can bag one. The moose population in Minnesota is plummeting, from an estimated 4,000 in the northwest part of the state in the 80's to less than 100 today, experts say.

They say global warming may be to blame. But it's partly due to assholes.

January – Moose Appreciation Month

2010-01-12T14:52:00.001-07:00

Just so I don't forget.

All this month (or until the Moose hate mail dies down) we are dedicating January posts to all types of Moose topics.

This might include some coverage of the one from Captain Kangaroo. Then again all the 12yr old girls who read this might not know whom he was so it'd be like beating a dead Moose.

So stay tuned for a bunch of Mooseilarity!

Yeah, and….

2010-01-12T11:09:00.001-07:00

Moose murdering aside, I am wondering if I really care about the whole Mark McGuire steroid saga.

The fact that he actually admitted to using performance enhancing substances might or might not diminish the accomplishments that he had on the field of play. In fact he has pointed out that he had good years on or off the juice as well as bad years on and off the juice. So does using these substances actually enhance performance or do your developed skills (or lack of) actually have a greater role?

I might continue to debate this or even debate whether his HR record should be nullified or even if he's HoF worthy. But that would indicate I do care and I have decided I don't.

Baseball is a sham. It's deceitful and unworthy of any trust on my behalf. I might be bitter from the strike that destroyed a season, but I am more disgusted by the amount of juicing and therefore cheating that occurred by these millionaires. The Hall of Fame is a joke and should just fade into the night. I think teams should erect their own chapels to the past glories of their teams so their fans who can't trek to Canton can see the great moments of the team's history. (Then again that would mean most of it would reside in the Bronx).

But, I actually don't really care and for that baseball owes me an apology.

Bonus Friday Entry!

2010-01-08T07:10:00.001-07:00

Short and sweet for today.

I love women with Southern accents.

The end.

Fluff Stuff

2010-01-07T10:43:00.001-07:00

Not much to report for this Thursday other than it's freakin cold.

So I will recap some thoughts I had during the week (and yes I do occasionally think) about crap I see on TV or even experience.

I hated Far Cry 2 the video game. Had to be the dumbest set of controls on a video game. When you cant even drive a car in the game because your viewing and movement stick are asinine well, the game play dies right then. I sent it back after 20 minutes of shitty game play.
Enjoyed the multiplayer games of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 as well as my Borderlands jaunt with Dan to kill Sledge. Sometimes it's nice to play solo (like Dragon Age which is incredible) but the most fun I do have is multiplayer since it's a chance to rip on people and hear them rip on complete strangers. Smoke was hilarious mocking a kid (probably 12) in the same type of whiney voice the kid was using.
The construction of a new two-story office building is starting in the adjacent lot. It'll house about 80% of our Longmont and Lafayette work force. It's going to be cool to see what goes into constructing a building from start to finish. Right now it's the prep phase in which our builder is setting up their work are (trailer, safety fences, etc) so when it's being built I'll share the web cam URL to those interested (which might be 2 people – if that).

Ok, 1 Day Early…

2010-01-06T07:37:00.001-07:00

I know I was only going to blog twice a week until I got back into the habit, but I had to share this real quickly.

We have a new hire and their name is – Testi

HAHAHAHAHA

Ok, done.

2010 – Resolutions to Ignore

2010-01-05T08:13:00.001-07:00

Again I am faced with imaginary improvements that I want to make with my Life whether it be health related or skills improvement or even to cut out items/people.

Again I am faced with either doing them for a short amount of time before the desire fades or just ignore them all together.

But, I think I have found a way around this.

Don't Do It. No resolutions. Just suggestions for a different (not necessarily better) 2010.

So here is what I have on tap.

Put a Calendar reminder (on my work calendar no less) to Blog twice a week – Tue and Thur.
Vowed to cut back all Fast Food (includes Subway, Fazolli, QDobas) in 2010 which will be hard to do since I LOVE Taco Hell and the breakfast burrito at Carl Jr's
For every cup of coffee I drink at work I drink 1 cup of water.

That's it.

If I can do these three small items for at least 3 months then I can add one more for another 3 months and then another to end the year with 6.

Is that going to be too much to ask – cascading "suggestions"?

Hopefully not.

We'll find out on Thursday to see if I keep #1….

Fly the Assinine Skies

2009-12-29T12:26:00.002-07:00

Here are some thoughts I had traveling to NY in November for my Grandmother's funeral.

Airplane thoughts - boarding

I hope I don't look half as stupid boarding a plane as do many of these folks. They look like they are monkeys trying to get it on with a football. Trying to either wheel their oversized tiers of carry-on bags down the narrow aisle or balancing three cups of coffee, a baby and a small child plus care seat. Wtf, is this your Volvo you're trying to load here?

Airplane rants - costs

So why now are the airlines are wanting to charge me for in flight snacks, wi-fi and the "luxury" of stowing a bag under the plane?

Whatever happened to the world of complimentary items as a thank you for choosing their airline?

Do cabs, busses, trains charge you because you have an oversized bag with your week's worth of clothes? No. So why should I pay an airline for this necessity.

They should have to pay me a "noise" fee for having to endure a jet engine howling next to my head for 4 hours.

Human Nature 101

2009-11-18T07:00:00.001-07:00

I don't think I'll ever understand what makes people do the strange things they do when in a social setting and especially surrounded by a group of people unknown to them from across the country.

Case in point was last evening's encounter with a total knob that we'll just call Tschep for the hell of it.

So me and a couple buddies decided to play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 in the public matches and came into the lobby with the fore mentioned, let's describe him as Douchebag. So this TDouche starts going off on how I must suck at golf and my gamer tag (COGolfBuddy) is dumb and I suck. Now, granted I do suck at golf, but that is no way to great new folks who enter the game lobby.

He continues to be a dick when my buds start mouthing back and even when we're on the same damn team he's talking smack. Same team. Not like he'd want to actually win a match, but he wanted to just be alpha male of the gaming universe I guess.

Needless to say we actually listened to him spew his shit and mock our skills (despite the fact we out scored him on some maps and he's 20 levels higher than us). It felt good to put a bullet in his skull a couple times. He did eventually drop out and I filed only my second official complaint ever to Microsoft about a player who was abusive.

But I can't understand what drives a person to totally rip on folks, unprovoked mind you, and even bypass the desire to have your team victorious by shitting on teammates. He even ripped on newer people who arrived in the lobby telling them to shut the fuck up when they were chatting to their buds.

I guess we'll never know what lives in the minds of men; especially the angry ones.

12-Year-Old Jerk Murders Moose for No Good Reason

2009-10-26T12:08:00.003-06:00

This girl is 12. She murdered a moose as big as her house because she could. Moose are rare. Jerks are not. I'm sure that she is a smart kid but I bet she could be better spending her time doing her homework than using advanced technology to murder megafauna for sport. Idiotic. That smile will come off her face soon enough when she finds out how fun it is to wash dishes at the diner the rest of her life up there in Mooselick, MN.

Kelly Holmin, age 12, sits on a bull moose

she murdered for no good reason last

weekend because her dad is gun nut who got

bored and thought, 'I want my baby girl to

kill something big today. '

Ok, some good news actually...

2009-10-13T06:03:00.000-06:00

Marge Simpson has done something that Homer might not like but will make Bart the proudest kid in his school: She's posed for Playboy magazine.

After more than a half century featuring women like Marilyn Monroe, Cindy Crawford and the Girls of Hooters on its cover, Playboy has for the first time given the spot to a cartoon character.

And the magazine is giving the star of "The Simpsons" the star treatment, complete with a data sheet, an interview and a 2-page centerfold.

Sweet Georgia Brown! Consider me in for this!

Like my day wasn't dumb enough...

2009-10-13T05:52:00.002-06:00

Six-year-old Zachary Christie was so excited to become a Cub Scout that he brought his camping utensil to school. The tool serves as a spoon, a fork and a knife, and Zachary wanted to use it at lunch.

What Zachary didn't know was that the gizmo violated his school's zero-tolerance policy on weapons. And now the Christina School District in Newark, Del., has suspended the first grader and ordered him to attend the district's reform school for 45 days.

What the fuck is the World coming to these days?
Are we that paranoid about 6-year olds stabbing other 6-year olds with sporks?
Couldnt they just confiscate it like they used too in the old days when Life wasn't so IDIOTIC?

The Return of MS Blog Posting

2009-10-01T06:33:00.001-06:00

Now that I have reconfigured my Word to be able to post Blogs on the fly I can give it a go again.

However it's 6:30am and I am not fully awake. That is starting to worry me that doing the morning shift is going to wreck my health.

I have been feeling tired and run down all the time. The brain takes longer to work it seems.

But having extra time to see the G-kids might make it worth the personal torture I am putting myself through…

Holy Crap

2009-09-28T08:35:00.001-06:00

I am still alive.

Is Life that busy?

2009-08-06T14:02:00.001-06:00

That I cant even find time to Post?
Has the Facebook and Twitter generation killed Blogging?
Apparently it has.
Or I am lazy.
Not sure which is the correct answer.

Before you get mad...consider this...

2009-07-14T17:18:00.002-06:00

A man walking his young son across a street was mowed down and killed by a driver who bashed into seven cars as he tore through a New York neighborhood, police said.

The driver reportedly got into a fight with his wife in the parking lot of a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in Baychester, got in his car and erratically drove through the parking lot and streets.

The driver slammed into the 36-year-old man, who was not identified, as he tried to push his 6-year-old son out of the way, police told MyFOXNY.com.

The father died at the scene. The boy wasn't hurt.

Police say the driver kept going, hitting six more cars and a total of 14 people before his mangled car came to a stop. He is now in police custody, MyFOXNY.com reported.

The time has come...

2009-07-14T13:59:00.001-06:00

for me to bore you further.

So we're on the verge of our yearly IT Summit and I am not prepared to be out of work for those many days. And it's going to be oh so exciting. Yawn.

Later MJ

2009-07-07T11:57:00.000-06:00

Didn't care much for you alive and care just as much on your death.

Thanks For Smoking

2009-06-22T15:45:00.003-06:00

Now that the new law was signed into affect I wonder how realistic it's going to be for people to not actually smoke or stop smoking.

If raising the prices hasn't deterred folks then I am thinking the only logical way to help them smoke is to create an anti-smoking pill that removes the urges or better yet, just let people smoke.

Helps the economy and will eventually reduce the over population problem.
Might even help those fat bastards in Mississippi lose weight....

Florida Cats are Crazy Man....

2009-06-19T14:19:00.001-06:00

My dear friend Kate emailed me and I had to share this....

The little evil furballs decided to have a military action against my q-tips yesterday. I came home to find the wounded and dying scattered across the living room battlefield. Cotton fuzz was all over the floor, as if the little personal hygiene items were bleeding out. A few of the q-tips had been obviously water boarded in the cat fountain until they couldn’t take it anymore. Left to die in the water, they drifted with the soft current of the filter, others were then tortured by being dragged across the floor and buried alive in the depths of the litter box.

I had to perform multiple burials last night while the evil ones ran through the house pillaging and celebrating their dubious victory against a much weaker opponent. The evil ones were finally calmed by the gift of a large pile of contraband consisting of fresh nip and various food specialties of oceanic variety.

Back so soon?

2009-06-16T13:39:00.001-06:00

Yes.
I am so tired of people wanting Letterman's head.
You all are assholes.
Accept his apology and move on dickwads.

Holy Crap

2009-06-16T12:44:00.003-06:00

So we're getting a bunch of tornadoes and insane thunderstorms out here.
In fact we've been getting more rain in June than I have recalled us ever getting.
So if things happen and my house blows away I am collecting insurance and moving to Hawaii.

Wow, Long time no speak

2009-06-09T16:30:00.002-06:00

Stuff happens and it's been happening in droves.

The parental units (thanks Kate for that sating) are coming end of June so I have actually been doing housework in between golf, softball and video games.

Weather has been a little goofy with a couple cold fronts producing mountain snow and some flat land tornadoes.

Coworkers have been either out on 2 week vacations, business trips or sick leave so I have been hammered with work.

Aside from that, life rocks and I cant complain.

R.I.P. Karla

2009-05-28T15:58:00.002-06:00

One of the ladies I used to work with at Penton passed away due to cancer. She had breast cancer and it came back and spread into her brain. She didnt last too long after that happened.

Again the fragile nature of Life comes and places everything else into perspective.
Fights with others seem meaningless. Old rivalries are stupid looking. Even feeling fat now is ridiculous.

I don't like the fact though that people think they can be an asshole to me for almost a year and then think they can be all nice nice because a prior coworker of ours died.

I'd rather see them try to make amends before something like this happened. I'd believe it more then...

Anyways, rest well Karla.
I hope you're doin better.

Golf Your Head Off!!

2009-05-21T12:23:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is the unofficial Third Annual Golf Madness day in which I spend the whole day with Loki and we golf for his birthday (5/31).

This year we're doing 9 holes at Links and Green in Fort Collins followed by 18 at Collindale in Fort Collins and finishing at South Ridge in, yes, Fort Collins.

Then I pour Dan out of the car and into his driveway - in Fort Collins.

Pattern? Maybe.

Good Times? Definitely!!

Long time no speak...

2009-05-12T16:32:00.002-06:00

So as I sit here and wait for a Sprint rep to pick up my chat request in the service queue (I've been at 44 seconds for the last 3 minutes) I figure I can check in with the non-existent blog reading public. Well, Casmar excluded.

Step-son is still looking for permanent work but did finally sell his old truck. So he has a bit of spending cash he can blow on booze and hookers. Well, just booze.

Step daughter 1 is graduating from college Friday and has lined up a job which is great. Sucks she still has to share custody with the dead beat dad.

Step daughter 2 was busted for driving without a license and instead of the 30 day jail time she's given 5 which she needs to server by July. Nice state we live in where they treat repeat offenders like it's nothing critical.

Anyway, grandkids are doing well. Garret will be one in September and Lane 4.
I am pushing the great 42 and want to start crying now up until it happens.....

ok, it's been 11 minutes. I am giving up on Sprint.

An Important Zombie Public Service Announcement

2009-05-09T08:58:00.001-06:00

Lots and Lots of Pussy

2009-05-06T17:27:00.001-06:00

Cats that is...

Here is one of those math problems circling the globe.
Post your answer and I'll let you know if you're right since I can attach the magic spreadsheet everyone signs...

Test of your math skills...

You can't get the attached spreadsheet open unless you put in the correct
password. The password happens to be the answer to the math question posed
below. Good luck. Once you get it open, add your name to the bottom and
send to your friends.

This is a 5th grade math problem. If you can open the spreadsheet, you'll
see it's a very small list of people who have gotten the correct number.
This is not a trick question. This is a real math problem so don't say
that the bus doesn't have legs.

There are 7 girls in a bus. Each girl has 7 backpacks. In each backpack,
there are 7 big cats. For every big cat, there are 7 little cats.

The bus driver is not in the bus at this time.

Question:

How many legs are there in the bus? (The number of legs is the password
to unlock the excel spreadsheet. If you open it, add your name, save it,
and then send it on to see who else can unlock it.)

McDonalds sucks

2009-04-23T12:15:00.002-06:00

I know I am not supposed to be eating at McDonald's but I was in a pinch this morning at 5:45am and rolled up to the drive-thru to grab myself some breakfast.

Keep in mind this is the same McDonald's I went to one early morning to the airport and got hosed with my order. It's not going to happen twice, right?

Sure enough - as Joe Pesci would say - they fuck you at the drive-thru.

Again they jack up my order. Instead of getting my full breakfast they neglected to give me a hash brown with my Egg McMuffin. I was pissed. It's not like a hash brown is a huge deal, but when you pay over $4 for a shitty breakfast (Note: Carl's Jr. has more food and coffee for 20 cents more) you should get the entire fucking meal.

I was already running behind to fill my shift at 6am so I didnt run in and get what I paid for and i regret not ripping them a new ass.

I will, however, vow NEVER to eat there (ANY MCDONALDS) for Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner.

Carl's Jr. is my new breakfast home for their loaded breakfast burritos.
yummmmmm

No Offense...

2009-04-21T13:41:00.002-06:00

but who gives a rats ass what the fuck Miss California says. Did you really want the poor girl to lie to win Miss USA? I applaud her honesty and balls.

Now if I could work on getting my balls on her chin...so sayeth Andrew Dice Claypidgeon.

What is on my mind...

2009-04-20T16:38:00.002-06:00

I was sitting in a thoroughly entertaining meeting the other day and I started doing what I normally do when I am bored out of my skull - I doodle.

So what got into my head was thinking about what others doodle when they are bored.
Do they make stick figures? Cubes and three-dimensional objects? Arrows and lines? Or something else.

Nothing Earth shattering (as usual) but something that got me wondering and thinking.
I mean, does what you doodle indicate some part of your personality?

Who knows and who cares....hahahaha

Pirates are Dumb

2009-04-15T10:57:00.002-06:00

I mean, come on...declaring a "war" on the US and French because we rescued one of our Captains that YOU CAPTURED ILLEGALLY....

"Oh, my feelings are hurt. Argg you killed three of me mateys."

Get over it you Somali pussy.

Your best option at this point is to find another occupation because I can see a couple of stinger missiles blowing the shit out of your Pirate vessels from the air.

I guess the learning curve to be a pirate is fairly steep and they just don't get it.

Bye CGB

2009-04-13T13:39:00.002-06:00

Well, I did have a hobby golf site but the cost to maintain it and actually update it less than I update this blog seemed like a waste. So I killed coloradogolfbuddy.com and decided to actually have the infor converted to a blog.

http://coloradogolfbuddy.blogspot.com/ is the new location and will have most of the same material the old site had. (maybe)

Holy Crap

2009-04-09T17:05:00.003-06:00

I dont think I have had time to do anything other than work.
Some blog stuff brewing...
Just need the time to spew it out.

The Magic Of Tequila

2009-03-31T12:41:00.001-06:00

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."

So Long Randy

2009-03-27T15:21:00.002-06:00

One of the first friends I had when I moved out to Colorado is now being forced to move because his wife is taking a new job. Thanks to this rockin' economy she's hooked up with a firm that is asking them to move to Grand Junction, CO or Buttfuck TN.

Being that he enjoys taking it in the ass I am sure they'll choose TN, but if he just goes to Grand Junction it'd be about 5-6 hr drive so I could in theory see him once in a while.

I told myself I wouldn't cry but i did...wahhhhh

Let it Snow....

2009-03-27T09:43:00.003-06:00

So that was the view from the Mustang on the drive home yesterday during our blizzard. While I like snow I don't enjoy trying to drive the 12 miles home not even being able to see the road at all. Luckily I know the back road in my sleep so I knew pretty much how to feel my way to safety.

These poor bastards on I25 were not so lucky.

I got stuck twice trying to get up a couple of hills because the morons ahead of me decided to actually stop at some stop signs instead of doing a slow roll through. Plus the asshole delivery truck who stopped to put on chains instead of pulling onto a side road.

Needless to say reversing to the edge of the ditch on the shoulder allowed me enough snow traction to gun upwards towards home.

And just like that...back to 4

2009-03-23T13:13:00.003-06:00

So we have a replacement for Big Head.
it's a siamese (i guess) that was abandoned at Pet Smart in a box.

I get to name him and while I like General Tao, they don't.
So if anyone has an idea, feel free to add it.

Others in the running:
Chow Mein
Chop Suey
Poo-Poo
Yugi

RIP Big Head

2009-03-20T15:52:00.001-06:00

It's with sadness I report that we found the runaway and he's in the heavens chasing mice. I don't know if I should break the news to my wife or let her think he might be someone's new pet.

I am thinking the latter. Although the first would give her closure.
As a man, i realize it's the way shit goes, but lacking a natural vagina I can't say a woman would not want to know the truth.

Anyways, sorry Biggie. Rest in Peace.

One Down...Three to Go

2009-03-18T17:41:00.001-06:00

In an effort to piss of Casmar or Kasmar or Xasmar, I sadly report that one of our cats has disappeared from the house and now we have three.

Unfortunately it wasnt the one I wanted to run away, but oh well....one less mouth to feed.

I've got nothing....

2009-03-13T17:40:00.002-06:00

My XBOX is still out for repair.
Work is still kicking my ass.
I'm still fat and lazy.
My dogs still poop and pee in the house.
Step son still around and jobless.
Wife is actually picking up more hours at work so we might not die from starvation.

Until next week!

Cute, but lame

2009-03-03T15:43:00.001-07:00

Q: How do you trap a polar bear?

A: You cut a hole in the ice. Line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pee, you kick him in the icehole.

Organization

2009-02-27T14:45:00.002-07:00

It's funny how I try to think of myself as an organized person when in fact I am having so much trouble balancing a tremendous work load and personal chaos. Oh, plus laziness. You have to toss that in there too.

It's not that I don't try to keep tabs of stuff I need to do. I have lists. And my lists have lists. But the items hardly ever seem to decrease.

Shit, I have to write - do laundry - on my list or I'll space and forget by the time I get home. But then I forget to read the list and now I have no socks for tomorrow.

So it seems that just having an organized list isn't enough. Maybe it's the system I am missing. The actual act of checking and doing seems to be missing.

I'll make a note to add checking and doing to my list of things to do....

My head

2009-02-20T16:58:00.002-07:00

Is probably going to turn into a pile of mush soon.
Yes, it's related to work.
Yes, it's nothing I can really change.
Yes, I shouldn't bitch about it.

Piss off, I am....

So as of tonight's post I have closed over 200 tickets in 3 weeks.
204 in 15 days.
That's 13.6 a day.

Compared to 84 for my co-help desk person.
hmmmm

See a problem here?

Thanks Tina...

2009-02-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

On the Golf Course

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee

The women are taking their time. When the final woman is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.

Yet Another One...

2009-02-17T17:53:00.002-07:00

So there's another member of the "let's shit on the American consumer" team and it's sendmemobile.
Now, before any assholes from that organization spam my comments with the normal bullshit of -it's your fault not ours - I wish to proactively give you my reply.

Go fuck yourself.
Thanks.

Again it's one of those hidden 9.99 Premium services you can be charged. It's not something you can easily do supposedly. Why shoot, all you might have to do is open an "infected" text or picture message.

Yes, I say infected because these companies are like cancers.
Someone needs to nuke the crap out of them with radiation.

Like a fucking a-bomb shoved up their asses to go along with my f-bombs.

Not Again!

2009-02-10T08:11:00.000-07:00

The desktop technician we hired (finally) to replace the dude we have to release resigned out of the blue yesterday.
Shot an email to my boss and left....

Sigh.....

Well, at least we can work overtime again!

Wow

2009-02-06T13:19:00.002-07:00

U.S. lost 598,000 jobs in January

Just wow.

Once you step back and look at the enormity of the situation it does look scary.

About 3.6 million jobs have disappeared since the recession began in December 2007 -- half of those in the past three months.

Will a stimulus package actually get us out of this hole? Or will we need to bring in foreign investors to bail out our economy? Maybe if we didn't give out loans to everyone in the world; farm out jobs; import shit products; and rape each other for the almighty dollar we might be better off.

Wrong, As Usual.

2009-02-02T11:52:00.001-07:00

If I had to go out on a limb - and usually they break under my weight - I think the Cards prevail over the NFL's #1 defense. Possibly 23 - 17 if not 26 to 21.

Nope.
Close on the score, kinda, but not on the winner.
In a very exciting, if not ridiculously bogus refereed game, the Steelers prevailed.

But in a sad note, there were only like 3 commercials that I can remember today.

a) etrade baby and the golfer
b) Super Bowl moment with the Saints guy
c) Conan O'Brien Budweiser commercial.

That's it.
The economy sucked the life out of new commercials for even the Super Bowl....

WTF Friday

2009-01-30T17:03:00.001-07:00

I am burnt.
Sorry.

We are inundated with phone needs and no telecom training.
I spent all day and part of last night troubleshooting an issue and it boiled down to their directions being wrong.
Who'd thought ## and ** could have such an impact on activating a phone.
I feel like vomiting.....

Any Family Law Experts?

2009-01-29T19:58:00.002-07:00

I need to find a lawyer who can fuck over Rowdy Putnam so he's not paying $461 a month for TWO children he fathered when he apparently makes over 3000 monthly and has NOT paid anything to help feed or clothe his children.

Anyone out there who knows anyone I can hit up for advice please let me know.

Or if anyone out there wants to help arrange a severe ass beating of this cock sucker please let me know.

FUUUUUUDGE

2009-01-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

The fallout form losing the telecom lady has begun.
We got so many phone requests today it was amazing.

So much for having time to do a learning curve.....

Wednesday Weepings

2009-01-28T15:34:00.002-07:00

Our telecom lady was relieved of duty today out of the blue. I am sure they'll pin it on work performance but what it does is add more work onto an already burdened staff. Not like I didnt have enough work stress....Sir may I have some more???

Looking at Google news I get more saddened to see even more people losing their jobs. I wonder how these people will be able to survive and I fear someday I might have to find out firsthand. When will this end?

Then I see how experts are afraid that with the push to digital TV many won't be able to afford converter boxes and be without TV. Good. Maybe these fat bastards can go out and exercise instead of watching Springer.

Finally, more family drama. As usual it's caused by a woman. It seems all my drama is woman related. I knew I should have gone into bestiality and married a sheep. At least I could have ate it when I tired of it.

So much for Golf

2009-01-27T15:04:00.002-07:00

One winter storm down with one more to come.
So much for the Indian "Winter" that had our temps into the high 50s and even 60s.
So much for golfing in January!

Although, it does also mean I will have more time to prepare for Super Bowl Sunday.

This year I am torn for whom to root, unlike last year when I put my hatred of the Giants aside to rally against an even more hated Patriots team led by Tommy Douchebag.

This year I want to see Kurt Warner and that awesome Larry Fitzgerald win, but at the same time I enjoy Hines Ward's play and would like to see him come away victorious. Plus Mike Tomlin has busted his ass to be a worthy successor of Bill Cowher.

If I had to go out on a limb - and usually they break under my weight - I think the Cards prevail over the NFL's #1 defense. Possibly 23 - 17 if not 26 to 21.

Suck my Nut

2009-01-23T16:08:00.006-07:00

My BustaNut Cup that is!

I won 1st in our parody of golf's Fed-Ex Cup over Loki and Butters.
It's a far cry from last which I was in the inaugural season of da Cup.

Randy turned it and the 2nd place trophy along with constructing the 3rd place "tee'd golf ball shell on a piece of wood." Here's more of his work at this site.

Anyway, my new addition to a cluttered shelf (at least for the next year) is below.

Facebook Magic

2009-01-22T15:29:00.002-07:00

So another person I have sorta thought about off and on during my time out here in Colorado reached out to me today using Facebook.

Big Bill Scapelhorn sent me a friend request.

We used to play all sorts of softball together and was on the team that was cool enough to take me to Vegas, NJ, CT. Plus he went on a golf outing with me to the Carolinas.

It'll be nice to see what the big boy is up too these days.

Change - Part 2

2009-01-21T10:18:00.004-07:00

Ok, so yesterday all of us in the office started streaming the Inauguration on our PCs and pretty much did no work until the speech ended. Then again we hammered the network none of us could really work anyway....

Well, here are my thoughts as I was watching the event. Some is just my personal opinion coming through and none of it is really that Orson Wellish (sorry Casmar aka Kasmar aka KittyMomma).

1. Poets suck. Sorry. There is nothing as stupid as a poem; one that doesn't even rhyme; even if it was spoken; by a hot naked woman; which this one wasn't.

2. WTF with bloggers that cover fashion and, even worse, celebrity sightings. Like I give a rats ass that Michelle Obama looked stunning in a greenish yellowish outfit that was a wonderful choice based on her complexion. Say what? And do I care that Dustin Hoffman was one of the folks watching the event from the VIP section? Obviously that is a no. He's a person like me, but shorter and older. I did think it was cool that Tony Dungy was there with Muhammad Ali. These two are black pioneers in their own right. They made sense to be there and recognized by these retarded bloggers.

3. Wow. Watching Hillary and Bill hold hands made me think the Four Horsemen were going to be the next dignitaries to show up at the event. I guess I missed the memo that Hell froze over. I best stop watching the Daily Show for my news.

4. Speaking of Daily Show...John Stewart is my hero. Only he could take Dick Cheney in a wheel chair and incorporate so many James Bond villain references along with the Emperor from Star Wars. Especially when they added the white cat on his lap like Blofeld. It was funny.

5. Finally I have never know what it looked like to have 2 million people in one area. It was freakin intense. Fox news had some pictures from space of this event they got from some place (turns our GeoEye-1).

Kinda looks like that little magnetic toy you get where you can make mustaches and beards on the face.

Anyway, it's hopefully a time for change and for the politicians to come together to help rebuild America. If not, it's going to be a shitty 4 years.

Change?

2009-01-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

So we have a new President.
I actually watched the Inauguration on the Internet (probably the first one I have ever watched) and I do have some thoughts about it, the coverage by the news media and my take on the whole event.

Congrats to the big O and goodbye little W.

WTF Friday

2009-01-16T17:01:00.004-07:00

Now, I normally am ok seeing a naked woman, especially a celebrity, but seeing the photograph that Christie's auction house is putting up for bid of Madonna at 20 is disturbing.

Madonna, razor. Razor, Madonna.
You two should really form a closer bond.
I am thinking by now it's the size of a Rockefeller Center XMas Tree complete with lights and garland.

Here is the "Yetized" version that mostly strips out the boobs and 98% of the hairy areas.....

Please don't look if you're squeamish. Original can probably be found on the website for the auction house.

This Sounds Like Bill Engval material...

2009-01-15T13:55:00.001-07:00

....but it was sent to me in one of those email threads.
I laughed a bit.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday...
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

Management 101

2009-01-14T11:35:00.001-07:00

Some of these are old and I have seen in one fashion or another. They are still funny in some respects.

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs..

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

(although I'd like to append a secondary moral – no matter how you think; your boss is an ASSHOLE – but not mine. Mine is cool….)

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a hunter; who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Lazy Little 3-yr old....

2009-01-13T15:02:00.002-07:00

When I was his age I had to clean my play pen, hunt my own breakfast in the kitchen, milk the goat, shear the chia-pet sheep, and cut some cheese for lunch.

Not sleep on the couch with two annoying little dogs.

Boy, kids these days have it easy.....

How Lazy Can Americans Be?

2009-01-12T17:30:00.001-07:00

Today I was debating on whether or not I should blog about Tony Dungy's retirement from being head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts after 7 years, or how Ricky Henderson (and his ego) were elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame or even how I was able to golf twice in 11 days of the 2009 year already. No, none of these topics made it to the blogging table. Instead I need to vent on how I think American's have become lazy, inconsiderate bastards.

Ok, that was a wee bit harsh and it's probably nothing new. I bet people have been this way for a while.

But there are a couple things that have irked me and I wanted to bring them to light….

Golf course trash. Now listen, I enjoy walking the golf course or even riding in a cart. Part of what I enjoy while doing this is the scenery and not necessarily the mountains. I like the greenness of the trees and grass. I like how some of the courses add marshlands; different types of plants; flowers and bushes of unusual looks; old looking trees. But what pisses me off is when other golfers leave aluminum cans, beer bottles, empty golf ball sleeves, discarded cups, etc all over the bushes or even in the fairway. Can you not have enough respect for your surroundings to put them in a trash can WHICH ARE NORMALLY FOUND AT THE TEE BOX OF EACH FUCKING HOLE?!! Plus, to the other golfers who WALK ON BY the remains these slobs leave behind, can't you be decent enough to pick it up? I have collected a half bag of garbage in 2008 at least. 2009 started with a candy bar wrapper and a glass bottle of O'Doulls.
Shopping carts. I usually park near a cart return so when I am done I walk over and toss it with the others. If I am in a lot without one I am bad and will leave the cart on the median. So, I am not perfect with that, but fuck man, when you park your car and the cart return is across the spot from your car can you at least turn the fuck around and walk it across to the return??! For God sakes man, it's 15 feet! That is laziness at it's most horrid. They should be banned from shopping unless they can carry the goods in their hands. No cart for you.
Office Coffee. Hello….if you take the last cup of coffee take the 30 seconds to dump the grounds into the trash; grab a filter; open a new bag of coffee; dump the coffee into the filter; put it into the machine; press START. How fucking hard is that??? Apparently way hard because every morning I make coffee and when I go to get a second cup the pot is empty. At 10am. 10! Fucking inconsiderate people are driving me nuts. When there are 2 coffee stations I can visit and BOTH are empty (with the heater burning a 1/32" of coffee) it fucking eats at me.

While I am not perfect, and Lord knows I am SOOOOO far from that, I at least take pride in knowing I try not to leave a mess of my surroundings or inconvenience people if possible. I'd hope for people to stop being little prima-donnas in 2009 (hmm, I know how that name holds true for a real Donna too) and start being a bit more respectful to Nature and Man.

I know that's a pipe dream. But at least it's a little dream in a world filled with crap – figuratively and literally.

WTF Friday

2009-01-09T12:06:00.002-07:00

Here we go again.
The 15 minutes of infamy that Joe da Plummer has acquired from John McCain has yet to expire. In fact, it's being shipped over seas to the Gaza strip - as a war correspondent. That's akin to shipping me to England to watch the battle between soccer teams. I have seen soccer matches on TV, but does that make qualified to blog about it or even ask intelligent questions from the watchers/participants??

I was watching the Daily Show when they covered this and one clip showed Joe discussing how he was watching TV and reading articles to prepare himself to be a journalist. Plus he wants to "pronunciate" the names right so that's why he's watching the tube so much too.

Oh brother.

The next Hemingway tells NBC News he will try to explain Israel's reason for the offensive against Hamas. "I get to go over there and let their 'average Joes' share their story, what they think, how they feel, especially with world opinion," he said. "It's very tragic," he said of the rising death toll. "But at the same time what are the Israeli people supposed to do?"

Joe, NO ONE KNOWS AND NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN IT.
You really think you're down to earth reasoning will shed light on this struggle and all will be resolved? do you think the "average joes" will shed anything special other than - Fuck, make the bombs stop falling??

Joe - So, hey, howya doing? Whatcha think about this whole war thing?
Hamas Joe - حركة المقاومة الاسلامية
Joe - Huh? You from Jersey? That's a strange accent.
Interpreter - No, moron, he said - I don't like the bombs, Mr. bald penis head.
Joe - Oh. Well, ask him if he wants a free copy of my book so he has something to read and I will put in a good word with God to make sure he's protected.
Hamas Joe - حركة المقاومة الاسلامية!!

Interpreter - Um, I'm going to stand over here away from you for a bit. Don't want to get my clothes covered in blood.....

Three For Thursday

2009-01-08T17:14:00.002-07:00

Three things for my life in three sentences....

1. XBOX 360
a. Way addicting and has sucked much of my free time each and every night - COGolfBuddy is my username.
b. Fallout3; Rock Band 2; Gears of War 2; Halo3; Left 4 Dead all kick major ass and the online play for Gear and Left 4 Dead make it well worth the money as does the immense solo play of Fallout 3 which has ove r100 visitable locations.
c. My only concern is with the amount of game add-ons and the ability to download the game disk to the hard drive (for smoother play) I am running out of space and might have to invest in a bigger drive.

2. Work
a. We are feeling the crunch from the Cali budget crisis and our work there is on hold until they can get some $$$ to pay us and the rest of the Highway/Bridge projects.
b. Ever since they closed down the offices the last week of the year people have now been calling or entering tickets non-stop for work issues to the point I have eaten lunch at my deks 4 days in a row and have not had anytime to pee.
c. Our organization is also going through a re-org in whcih we'll be moving to a centralized enterprise model rather than a regional one which will mean MORE work and less lunch.

3. Home
a. Fucking Rowdy is claiming he's broke and wont even fess up $25 to help pay his SON's medical charge when poor lane was sick.
b. Fucking Rowdy is a douchebag
c. Did I mention that I hate the drama in my life and I don't think it will ever end - even if I die I am sure they'll haunt me into the afterlife down in Hell.

History Will Tell....

2009-01-06T17:04:00.005-07:00

In some of what my idiot brother keeps sending me in emails about GWB (not to be confused with GPBP (good puppet bad puppet) or CGB (colorado golf buddy)) is that he (W), as well as Laura, think that History [not Man] will show how great George's presidency was during the last 8 years.
Now, I am not one to put much trust into History considering it's all a compilation of opinions and views that sometimes hold no factual basis. In fact, even facts can be manipulated to support your own view or opinion.
Such is the case when it comes to predictions by so-called psychics, astrologists or “thinkers” like the Amazing Kreskin. Even Nostradamus had predictions that folks made come true by manipulating facts or making reaches in logic to twist the events that seem close to the mark.
This got me to thinking that I could be a prognosticator for things that will happen in 2009.
So, I present….

Yetitradamus predicts…..
…… that a supserstar couple will split causing their 14 children to be abandoned in Nebraska before the loop hole is closed for good. They will make up late in the year and adopt those children back; plus one from Canada
…..speaking of Canada; they finally succumb to the American desire for quadruple cheeseburgers and fries with a diet coke. Instead of beef they use beaver. This causes many Canadians to chew bark as a laxative.
…..a cartoon version of an unpopular President will again hit the airwaves in a satirical view of his moronic time in office. Yetitradamus hopes it will not star Frank Caliendo.
….despite the fact that a technological necessity has been deemed to cause sterilization in men and women it will not cease to be popular but instead will be shipped to China in bulk to try and stop the wave of wee Wang Wie’s being born since little Barbie Hsu’s are being personally handled by their parents.
….sales of burlap sack, rope and chains will decrease in China for the first time in 150 years.
……horrors from the West shall emerge in the form of a miniature version of a spoiled, talentless, skank with millions thanks to parents wealth. Yetitradamus will try to eat this monstrosity with chopsticks.
……a sports team from the East will dominate it’s sport and cause millions to weep at their success. Yetitradamus will not weep since he has no emotions.
…..despite the claim from the Amazing Kreskin, travel by train will not become more popular. Kreskin is a MORON. It shall be covered wagon and ponies. Who doesn’t like a pony.
….an irrelevant collection of electronic words will continue to stimulate no one and provide no worthy contribution to civilization nor improving the quality of life for anyone it touches.

So sayeth YETITRADAMUS….
(queue creepy music)

The Past

2009-01-05T17:53:00.002-07:00

Looking back at 2008 there were many things I would have changed. Half of which I will take to the grave with me. The other half I drank out of my memory.

But it wasn't all bad.
I got to spend time with Loki even though we're now with different companies.
Same with Butters.
I beat them both to win the 2008 Busta Nut Cup (our parody of the Fed-Ex cup in Golf).
Many people I never thought would contact me did through Facebook.
I lasted 8 months at my new job while others didn't.
The one President I cast a vote for since the Ross Perot days actually won.
I got to see Brett Favre as my QB despite the fact he sucked and cost the coach his job.
Someone other than the RedSox went to the World Series - THANK GOD.
The Patriots were denied a repeat visit as well - AMEN BROTHER.

Maybe 2009 will keep me on the straight and narrow.
Then again it could be the gateway to debauchery and liberating good times.

May your 2009 be healthy and happy.
Unless you're happy being sick and miserable and then I hope you're shitty and feeling like crap.

Happy Holidays EveryBody! Especially Dr. Nick!

2008-12-24T11:46:00.001-07:00

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
Answer: So he can ho-ho-ho.

(as opposed to why is Mrs. Claus pissed at Santa? He has three ho's.)

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

It's Christmas

2008-12-21T22:01:00.003-07:00

So it's almost Christmas, the Season of Giving. Despite the bad economic news we hear and see everyday, I still am optimistic that things on this planet will get better in the coming years. I know, I am a total romantic douche. Whatever Yeti.

I know Christmas can be a tough time for people, personally I find the crass commercialization of Christmas criminal. But that is the world we live in, everybody needs to make a buck I guess. Still, I would like to encourage everyone to think briefly in the next few days about what Christmas should mean to us. It used to be the one time of year when somebody would cut you off on the Interstate and instead of honking and throwing a fit, you'd think, 'Hey, it's Christmas, that guy is probably trying to get home to his family...give him a break.' I am going to try to think like that more often, it feels better than freaking out over stupid crap.

I hope both the people who read this blog have a wonderful Christmas and manage to find some peace in your life even if just for a few days when you can hold a few family members or friends close and wrap yourself in some of that wonderful stuff that only humans (as far as we know) are capable of sharing, the Christmas Spirit. Pass it on.

I hate Sweeney Todd

2008-12-21T21:45:00.003-07:00

Yeah, I see you there Sweeney Razorhands. Freakin prick, I wouldn't get a shave from you if you gave me five quid for the trouble. What an ass, all that self-pity, who gives a shit? Take a bath, loser. And why the hell would you trust some strange woman who owns the shop beneath yours? And who eats freakin meatpies anymore? No one.

Seriously if I saw you on the rainy, crowded cobblestones of Jolly Old London Town on a cold night, and if you gave me that snotty look, I'd take your razor right out of that little gay holster and 'whip whack' there would be no evidence you ever had those Andy Rooney eyebrows. You are a big pussy compared to Dr. H.H. Holmes. There is fake-freaky like you Sweeney Baby. Then there is Honest to God Freakiest Em-Effer Ever, and that's Dr. Holmes. Look him up if you like, better yet read Devil in the White City if you really want to see how these things are done. But Sweeney, give it up. You are annoying me.

$1 Never Looked SO Good

2008-12-19T13:43:00.002-07:00

I won a dollar.
When I purchased the $1 scratch off today I was hoping for the $20,000 ultimate prize but when I just won $2 I was actually thrilled.
This small victory hopefully will transition to bigger things in 2009 and make life a little bit better.
Who knows, this extra $1 might be the winning lottery ticket somewhere down the line that I wouldn't have purchased normally.
Things are starting to happen for reasons I can't understand.
Is it just stupidity on my part for not seeing the reasons or is it just beyond my ability to see anyways.
I guess I do need to accept the things outside my control and act upon what I can control.

Jeff Fisher = ASSHOLE

2008-12-16T10:46:00.002-07:00

Thanks to Tennessee Titan's coach Jeff Fisher's decision not to kick a 40yrd field goal when they were at 4th and 1 and down by 1 point I lost my fantasy playoff game by two points.
FUCK YOU FISHER.
You cost me at least $120.

If I ever meet you I am throwing my size 11's at your fucking head.
You ruined Christmas.
Thanks.

Ok, I feel better.

Why Couldn't Mr. Ed Have Been There....

2008-12-15T12:51:00.003-07:00

So I was reading how our idiot ex-President to be, GWB, went over to Iraq and got a pair of shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi reporter. I have some thoughts about that obviously.

a) WTF GWB - What are you doing there now? Saying goodbye to a country you invaded in 2003 just to wish them well? You could have sent a fruitcake (oh wait, one showed up in person). Maybe you're trying to duck the shoes since it's easier to duck than the shit going on here with Detroit and the banks.

b) WTF reporter - can't you even hit a slow witted man who takes 5 seconds to transfer thoughts from brain to limbs? You need practice. Maybe while you're getting anal probed in the detainment camp you can think about this.

c) WTF - couldn't it have been a woman reporter with stiletto heels?

d) WTF me - why do I even try to keep up on what's happening with the world instead of trying to rectify my own personal demons? Oh, I'm a stupid lazy American, that's why.

So in closing, I take some of my favorite comments from the article and post them here....

Calling Bush the devil, a Sadrist cleric addressing the crowd condemned the visit of "the leader of evil and terror" and said the president was humiliated in a visit that was meant to celebrate achievements.

Protesters placed a shoe atop a pole with a note saying, "Go Out USA."

Demonstrators chanted: "Listen Bush, we got you out with a pair of shoes," "If we run out of ammunition, we will hit them with shoes," and "America out now."

That's showing them G! End your presidency on a grand note.

Never Ending Thanksgiving

2008-12-11T16:17:00.002-07:00

The holiday is over, but the family that came to visit is still around. Well, not just around, but living in my garage. It's one of those things that happen which shows to me that Life isn't anything more than Drama on steroids.

I know, I know, it's all that Karma coming back to rip open my anus. Yes, it is. But could it at least check my prostrate while it's at it?

Here's the Manson Family during my Inlaw's 50th Wedding anniversary Party.

What are these for?

2008-12-07T08:26:00.003-07:00

Just wanted to throw this up here in the hopes that some of the million morons traveling on I-80 between Colorado and Chicago during Thanksgiving can see what this is and when you are in the left lane of an Interstate Highway over a National Holiday barely going the speed limit YOU SHOULD GLANCE AT EVERY FREAKIN ONCE IN A WHILE.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T12:49:00.001-07:00

Hope you all have a great and safe holiday.
Eat lots of food and crap tons.
Trust me, it's healthy to do that.

See you on the flip side when I'll be discussing my brother-in-law's visit from Hawaii; the Inlaw's 50th Anniversary; our new IT director and more.....

WTF Friday

2008-11-21T17:11:00.002-07:00

So another IT person bit the dust at work. This time for allegedly stealing equipment. It's unusual for such a small IT group to have 5 IT people bail within 8 months without an outsourcing plan in place. Hopefully this is just a horrible twist of fate instead of a plan by upper management to trim us down for ousting.

Sucks for them if they do. We're cheaper labor than what they'd be paying for an hourly contractor. Especially with our diverse locations and amount of work that needs to be done.

Oh well, better get the resume ready just in case....

But, on a positive note, if they do decide to backfill his position it would allow me to move to a Senior SupportCenter role and be able to boss someone else around!!!

Consumer Alert - PredictoMobile

2008-11-13T10:42:00.002-07:00

BEWARE - Make sure to keep an eye on your cell phone bill to make sure you're not getting ass-raped by predictomobile. It's a Text scam that sends you a message from a 654654 number and when you reply it charges you a $10 a month fee. Luckily I saw it before they kept prying my money from me.

Supposedly this "service" is signed up for online according to a customer rep - who also is a moron - because you can get hit with the charge by answering the text or submitting a text to that number. Their online FAQ states just that.

It's basically a way to fuck the American consumer by using deceit and preying on their naivety. Hopefully TMobile's service to Block charged messages (or text's) will work and we won't get this SPAM anymore.

But pay attention to what TXT message you reply too or your wallet might be a little lighter.

Been Around Town (like Palin's Daughter)

2008-11-11T10:59:00.005-07:00

This has traveled the Internet and thru many folk's unsecured Yahoo email accounts....Thanks to Dickerson who passed it to me along with the others he SPAMS nightly when he gets trashed on Wild Turkey.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American!

Well except for this guy who doesn't walk very much or very fast actually. He's probably the reason my 401-Keg ran dry in 2008.

WTF Monday

2008-11-10T10:12:00.002-07:00

What is the world coming too?
An 8-year old in AZ is being charged with two counts of murder for killing his own father and another man who was renting a room from the family.

8.

I can't recall what I was doing when I was 8 but planning to murder my father and some other dude was not on my mind at the time.

Hopefully they'll fry the little brat so other kids thinking they can do shit like this and get away with just jail time will see they can't.

Maybe they should have let him listen to Metallica, Ozzy, or play Call Of Duty 4 or Gears of War 2 so they have something to blame it on other than letting a kid of that age know how to use a 22 rifle.

WTF Friday

2008-11-07T15:12:00.004-07:00

So I wanted to do a little catching up with America's hero, Joe the Plummer, now that the elections are over.

Typical of anyone who was vulgarly thrusted into the public spotlight he's done the only sane thing - created a website and signed a book deal. No joke. Read it first in a comment from other "fans" after an article about Joey.

JTP’s website is just hilarious. He is selling ‘freedom memberships’ for 14.95/yr, which grant you access to his forum and blog, neither of which presently exist, and a free signed copy of his book, which has not been written. You also get free shipping on all JTP merchandise. What merchandise does the official JTP store offer, you might ask? It offers a pre-order of the unwritten book and the aforementioned freedom membership. And if you decide to pre-order the non-existent book, you get a freedom membership, absolutely free for one year! I think the term ‘Potemkin Village’ just got a new definition, and it is “noun-Joe the Plumber’s website”.

Wow! I so can't wait to order a book that's going to have so much fascinating data inside! Like how to unclog a bath tub filled with Palin's pubic hair or how to make your shower safe for senior citizen Presidential candidates. Maybe he'll discuss his foreign policy and how to finally rid America of those pesky scrubbing bubbles that put his job at risk.

And what other products will Joe offer Americans with $$ burning a hole in their otherwise empty bank accounts? Maybe a Polish plunger (a stick) or even some Joe the Plummer air fresheners - hmmmm, the smell of bullshit is so appealing!

He's really fighting to keep his 15 minutes of infamy alive and kicking.

Oh wait, did I really mean American hero above? No, that was sarcasm.
In reality he's Joe the Penis - Real American Zero.
Hmm, that might be something I'd buy on a TShirt.

Hell Froze Over

2008-11-04T13:23:00.001-07:00

I actually voted.
So by my accounts my vote will nulify my brother's and my wife's will be by her daughter. That leaves Loki as the deciding vote. Thank goodness!

Anyway, hopefully everyone had a successful voting day no matter who you voted (as long as it was the correct vote it's all ok in the eyes of the Golf Gods).

OBAMA-SLIDE: Yes We Can

2008-11-03T20:47:00.005-07:00

So here we finally are: Election Day 2008. Hundreds of millions of dollars have been spent, hundreds of millions of words have been written and spoken, it's hard to imagine that any stone has been unturned, and in fact a lot of the stones that were turned over were anticlimactic. No wonder they call the campaign for the U.S. President the World's Toughest Job Interview

So here we are. I made up my mind long ago, I've worked pretty hard in my own way to get Barack Obama elected. And it seems at this moment that, while polls are very questionable things, all evidence points to an Obama win.

But I think it will be more than that. I think Barack, riding a wave of fatigue and anger and disgust that only George W. Bush and Dick Cheney could generate, will wipe out the McCain/Palin gambit in a landslide that will echo throughout this country's political landscape, changing the electoral map and maybe more--perhaps for a generation.

I did volunteer for the Obama campaign and did a lot of calling and canvassing and organizing. And what struck me was how many other people were doing the same. The energy and zest behind the Obama campaign was really something to see. I was there to see him speak to a gigantic crowd of 60,000, a full 20,000 people above and beyond the most optimistic estimates by the campaign. The atmosphere of hope and optimism that filled the Obama headquarters every night was nothing short of inspiring.

The reason that I think Obama will win in a Reagan-esque landslide has less to do with poll numbers than with the sense that people are so fed up with the rich-man's-tax-cuts approach of the Bush Presidency and the GOP in general. People have had enough of the foreign policies of a man who will be remembered as one of the weakest, least intelligent presidents in our country's history. George Bush and the Republican Party are on the wrong side of history in so many ways. Deregulation, the war in Iraq, the ridiculous, proven failures of supply side economics, the raping of the environment and the cynical coddling of Big Oil and spurning alternative energy funding on one hand while complaining on the other how America is too dependent on foreign oil, this ridiculous notion that drilling for oil in ANWR and offshore will somehow solve our problem (it will take more than 10 years for the first drop of oil from these sources to enter the supply, and by then we'd better be far along with alternative energy plans or we really will be in trouble, and I know a thing or two about this, I used to cover the oil industry in my last job.)

These problems are complex, and they require intelligent leadership to solve. Not knee-jerk Republican play-to-the-right-wing-nut cord-yanking, with shouts of, 'Drill baby drill' and the fear-mongering that the Republican party so loves to engage in. They love to make people afraid and unsure, it goes to the thinking that the Religious Right really believes we should be afraid, and that our every move should be dictated by religion.

But, things are changing.

The economic meltdown cannot fully be blamed on the Republicans, but clearly the resistance to regulating industries has played a major role, and this is the tack that John McCain has said he would prefer to keep using. It is a failed policy, we have tried it for eight years, and it does not work, so there is no need to try it again. It's like talking to my ex-wife, you'll get the same bad result every time, hey even I eventually figured that out...

The real reason that I think Barack Obama could garner as many as 300+ electoral votes tonight is this: America is finally ready. We are ready to be inspired by a great thinker and leader. I know Republicans will disagree, they say Obama doesn't have enough experience, that he is untested. Perhaps they are right. But perhaps, like Lincoln and Kennedy, he will bring that intangible element to the White House that has been missing for so long: Grace and hope and a steady hand. He could unite this country to a single purpose. Is it so ridiculous to believe that he could do this? Only time will tell, but I know this:

After today (hopefully) the 2008 Presidential Election will be over and we will have a new president. If John McCain does pull off a victory, then I am ready to believe in him and what he has said he will do for the United States (and I just hope he can live another four years, because I can't say I'd feel the same way about President Palin (ohgodpleasenopleaseno). If Barack Obama is our new president, as I believe is all but inevitable, I hope that Democrats and Republicans can both view this change as an opportunity to put behind us the divisiveness that George Bush and crew brought to the fore. There is no reason we cannot work together, in fact, our future depends on it. So Republicans, if Barack does win, I would ask that you give him your support to the degree that you can, and if you can't say something nice, then just keep it to yourself for a while. Let's see what he can do, we all need each other, let's act like it!

America is ready to move forward and solve the major problems that lie ahead of us. It will likely take years--perhaps a generation--to fix the problems that this country is now in, the wars and deficit spending, the almost unimaginable debt we're in (we had a budget surplus eight years ago!!!), damage to our standing among the countries of the world, the economic crisis in which we find ourselves mired. But with Barack in charge, and a new politics hopefully soon to follow, to quote Obama himself, 'Yes we can.' I hope everyone can believe, if they do maybe we really can make this work. Go Barack. Go USA!

Why I Hate Politicians – Part 1 of a Gazillion

2008-11-03T13:42:00.001-07:00

This is why I don't understand Politcs. I mean, why can't they just say what they mean and mean what they say without all the sneaky underhanded bullshit.

Case in point – Riders.

Now, I didn't put much thought into this until I watched a "Reality Check" segment by a local newsman who was analyzing an asinine ad by Bob Schaffer attacking Mark Udall. All these claims BitchBob made were false or overstated or twisted grotesquely to point out Udall's voting record. It turns out most of what Udall had voted against was shitty riders to amendments that no normal person should have voted for.

When it was explained I could now understand better how McLame and the rest of the politicians (including ObamaBinLaden) can twist almost every vote into a negative. Mostly because the American people do not know what goes on in Washington. Me included.

So I went to Ask.com to begin my research on riders.

Like a hitchhiker thumbing a ride, a "rider" is an amendment looking for a vehicle to take it where it wants to go. Members of Congress with a bill that cannot attract enough votes on its own will add it as an amendment to a popular bill that is likely to pass. Riders usually are not germane to the bill—that is, they have little or nothing in common with the bill on which they are riding. House rules prohibit non-germane amendments, so riders are used in the Senate, with the hope that the House will accept them in the conference committee that hammers out the differences between the House and Senate versions of the bill. Appropriations bills, which provide for payment of federal money for many different projects, are favorite vehicles for these legislative riders.

So that means if I want a Bill to dedicate 100,000 acres of land for Natural Forest preserve someone can attach a rider, for say Clubbing baby seals in Alaska to clothe Payless Palin, and when it's voted on people can decline based on the rider. Then when it's time for elections their opponent can say they voted against Natural Forests.

This is why politicians are morons and deceitful assholes. Just submit those riders as their own and let us see how politicians can make decisions instead of holding back progress with their asinine agendas.

Politcal Quickie

2008-10-31T11:14:00.003-06:00

Some interesting headlines for today from the Colorado Independent.

76 American Nobel Prize winners have endorsed Barack Obama for President. In an open letter, they praised Obama’s “emphasis during the campaign on the power of science and technology to enhance our nation’s competitiveness.” Meanwhile, John McCain has earned the endorsement of working class American “Joe the Plumber,” who is neither a licensed plumber nor named Joe (it’s Samuel Wurzelbacher for those who are wondering).

Great. There are millions of idiots like "Joe" out there and like, what 1,000 nobel prize winners? Landslide McCain and Redneck America....

Just Kidding.

Happy Halloweeeeeeeen!

More Political Crap

2008-10-30T13:00:00.002-06:00

Here are some more anti Mr. Magoo and Nailin' Palin pictures courtesy of Kate in sunny Florida. I kinda added the first thought comments....

Do you think we could run an oil pipeline through that void?

Hey, that crazy looking old man won't stop smiling and waving at me. Can't someone take him away? He's scaring me.

I wonder what her talent show act was - clubbing and skinning a seal?

All I wanted was a VP candidate with lasers on their heads. Frickin lasers. Was that too hard to ask for?

Right, like he even knows what Google is. He probably thinks it's denture cream.

Ok, Enough is Enough....

2008-10-27T15:26:00.002-06:00

So in my Shaping Reality post I talked about how my subconscious was shaping the world around me. Now to further support that theory is what happened just in the last 5 minutes...

I called a client in Lafayette whose internal extension is 8104. I of course mis-dialed to 8014 and before that extension rang I hung up [our digital display shows the user and their extension before the call completes].

Well, in the span of 2 minutes, while I was on the phone with 8104 I received a help desk ticket for a Crystal Reports issue from, yep no shitting you, the user that I accidentally dialed.

What are the odds that one person would submit a help request then out of 700+ users across our company and in that specific time frame.

Again, I need to focus on me winning millions.....hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Sewing up a Championship

2008-10-27T13:01:00.006-06:00

Ok, the title is really dumb, but I dont care.
Congrats to Doans Sewing for winning both the single night and double header night championships for the Loveland Fall 2008 leagues.
We also took Summer single nights Championship too (no double headers for Summer or I bet we would have won it also).

The combined record for Fall is: 19-2 (13-1 for DH and 6-1 for Single) plus add in the Summer results and we were 32-2 overall.

Here's the team before our last two games this past Thursday.
Congrats to these band of silly bastiches who know how to play some ball (and play with our balls).
Front:
Randy, Charlie, Eric (manager/player), Shaune, Robert (token negro)
Back:
John, Hank, Ryan (aka McLovin), Jesse and Yeti (aka Kevin)
MIA:
James
IR:
Newman and Aaaron

McLame Campaign Spirals Toward Doom (We Hope)

2008-10-24T13:09:00.003-06:00

Here is a real headline from today that, I think, sums up this entire election.

Palin stylist draws higher pay than policy adviser

Yep, the campaign paid Palin's traveling stylist $22K+ while McCain's foreign policy adviser, Randy Scheunemann, was paid $12,500. Republicans are pretty slippery but I'm not sure how you can spin that away from what it really says: the McLame ticket cares a lot more about surface things than policy. But I'm not sure how her freakin hair will help the middle class. I can't wait until this is over and Barack with his $10 haircuts can get to work fixing this country Bush tried to ruin. Only 11 days left!

Um, Sure Barack....

2008-10-24T12:42:00.002-06:00

I gots nothing.

What I did do was look at FactCheck.Org to see how much dirt I could pull up on Mr. Obama. Which it turns out wasn't much.

Not to say Obama is perfect, but most of the hand slaps are aimed at the Republican party because, as I have surmised in prior posts, they are a bunch of lying spin doctors.

Anyway, check out the site and learn how everyone in politics will twist everything to their advantage. Some more than others.

Um, Sure Sarah....

2008-10-22T16:44:00.002-06:00

"It took a regular guy to get Obama to finally tell the truth about his tax plan," Palin said.

From what I have been able to Google, he's been very open about his tax plan unlike your running mate. In fact, now that Joe The Plummer has come out saying he doesnt even make close to 250K he admits Obama's plan would not affect him.

So go back to spending 150K from the RNC on clothes and flying your family around to rallies and let the "regular" people who need to shop at WalMart and Target decide what is the truth.

We're capable of that.
Dontcha know?