WTF Friday

I am burnt.
Sorry.

We are inundated with phone needs and no telecom training.
I spent all day and part of last night troubleshooting an issue and it boiled down to their directions being wrong.
Who'd thought ## and ** could have such an impact on activating a phone.
I feel like vomiting.....

Any Family Law Experts?

I need to find a lawyer who can fuck over Rowdy Putnam so he's not paying $461 a month for TWO children he fathered when he apparently makes over 3000 monthly and has NOT paid anything to help feed or clothe his children.

Anyone out there who knows anyone I can hit up for advice please let me know.

Or if anyone out there wants to help arrange a severe ass beating of this cock sucker please let me know.

FUUUUUUDGE

The fallout form losing the telecom lady has begun.
We got so many phone requests today it was amazing.

So much for having time to do a learning curve.....

Wednesday Weepings

Our telecom lady was relieved of duty today out of the blue. I am sure they'll pin it on work performance but what it does is add more work onto an already burdened staff. Not like I didnt have enough work stress....Sir may I have some more???

Looking at Google news I get more saddened to see even more people losing their jobs. I wonder how these people will be able to survive and I fear someday I might have to find out firsthand. When will this end?

Then I see how experts are afraid that with the push to digital TV many won't be able to afford converter boxes and be without TV. Good. Maybe these fat bastards can go out and exercise instead of watching Springer.

Finally, more family drama. As usual it's caused by a woman. It seems all my drama is woman related. I knew I should have gone into bestiality and married a sheep. At least I could have ate it when I tired of it.

So much for Golf

One winter storm down with one more to come.
So much for the Indian "Winter" that had our temps into the high 50s and even 60s.
So much for golfing in January!

Although, it does also mean I will have more time to prepare for Super Bowl Sunday.

This year I am torn for whom to root, unlike last year when I put my hatred of the Giants aside to rally against an even more hated Patriots team led by Tommy Douchebag.

This year I want to see Kurt Warner and that awesome Larry Fitzgerald win, but at the same time I enjoy Hines Ward's play and would like to see him come away victorious. Plus Mike Tomlin has busted his ass to be a worthy successor of Bill Cowher.

If I had to go out on a limb - and usually they break under my weight - I think the Cards prevail over the NFL's #1 defense. Possibly 23 - 17 if not 26 to 21.

Suck my Nut

My BustaNut Cup that is!

I won 1st in our parody of golf's Fed-Ex Cup over Loki and Butters.
It's a far cry from last which I was in the inaugural season of da Cup.

Randy turned it and the 2nd place trophy along with constructing the 3rd place "tee'd golf ball shell on a piece of wood." Here's more of his work at this site.

Anyway, my new addition to a cluttered shelf (at least for the next year) is below.

Facebook Magic

So another person I have sorta thought about off and on during my time out here in Colorado reached out to me today using Facebook.

Big Bill Scapelhorn sent me a friend request.

We used to play all sorts of softball together and was on the team that was cool enough to take me to Vegas, NJ, CT. Plus he went on a golf outing with me to the Carolinas.

It'll be nice to see what the big boy is up too these days.

Change - Part 2

Ok, so yesterday all of us in the office started streaming the Inauguration on our PCs and pretty much did no work until the speech ended. Then again we hammered the network none of us could really work anyway....

Well, here are my thoughts as I was watching the event. Some is just my personal opinion coming through and none of it is really that Orson Wellish (sorry Casmar aka Kasmar aka KittyMomma).

1. Poets suck. Sorry. There is nothing as stupid as a poem; one that doesn't even rhyme; even if it was spoken; by a hot naked woman; which this one wasn't.

2. WTF with bloggers that cover fashion and, even worse, celebrity sightings. Like I give a rats ass that Michelle Obama looked stunning in a greenish yellowish outfit that was a wonderful choice based on her complexion. Say what? And do I care that Dustin Hoffman was one of the folks watching the event from the VIP section? Obviously that is a no. He's a person like me, but shorter and older. I did think it was cool that Tony Dungy was there with Muhammad Ali. These two are black pioneers in their own right. They made sense to be there and recognized by these retarded bloggers.

3. Wow. Watching Hillary and Bill hold hands made me think the Four Horsemen were going to be the next dignitaries to show up at the event. I guess I missed the memo that Hell froze over. I best stop watching the Daily Show for my news.

4. Speaking of Daily Show...John Stewart is my hero. Only he could take Dick Cheney in a wheel chair and incorporate so many James Bond villain references along with the Emperor from Star Wars. Especially when they added the white cat on his lap like Blofeld. It was funny.

5. Finally I have never know what it looked like to have 2 million people in one area. It was freakin intense. Fox news had some pictures from space of this event they got from some place (turns our GeoEye-1).



Kinda looks like that little magnetic toy you get where you can make mustaches and beards on the face.

Anyway, it's hopefully a time for change and for the politicians to come together to help rebuild America. If not, it's going to be a shitty 4 years.

Change?

So we have a new President.
I actually watched the Inauguration on the Internet (probably the first one I have ever watched) and I do have some thoughts about it, the coverage by the news media and my take on the whole event.

Congrats to the big O and goodbye little W.

WTF Friday

Now, I normally am ok seeing a naked woman, especially a celebrity, but seeing the photograph that Christie's auction house is putting up for bid of Madonna at 20 is disturbing.

Madonna, razor. Razor, Madonna.
You two should really form a closer bond.
I am thinking by now it's the size of a Rockefeller Center XMas Tree complete with lights and garland.

Here is the "Yetized" version that mostly strips out the boobs and 98% of the hairy areas.....

Please don't look if you're squeamish. Original can probably be found on the website for the auction house.

This Sounds Like Bill Engval material...

....but it was sent to me in one of those email threads.
I laughed a bit.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday...
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

Management 101

Some of these are old and I have seen in one fashion or another. They are still funny in some respects.

 

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs..

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

(although I'd like to append a secondary moral – no matter how you think; your boss is an ASSHOLE – but not mine. Mine is cool….)

 

 

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

 

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a hunter; who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

 

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Lazy Little 3-yr old....

When I was his age I had to clean my play pen, hunt my own breakfast in the kitchen, milk the goat, shear the chia-pet sheep, and cut some cheese for lunch.

Not sleep on the couch with two annoying little dogs.

Boy, kids these days have it easy.....

How Lazy Can Americans Be?

Today I was debating on whether or not I should blog about Tony Dungy's retirement from being head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts after 7 years, or how Ricky Henderson (and his ego) were elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame or even how I was able to golf twice in 11 days of the 2009 year already. No, none of these topics made it to the blogging table. Instead I need to vent on how I think American's have become lazy, inconsiderate bastards.

Ok, that was a wee bit harsh and it's probably nothing new. I bet people have been this way for a while.

But there are a couple things that have irked me and I wanted to bring them to light….

1. Golf course trash. Now listen, I enjoy walking the golf course or even riding in a cart. Part of what I enjoy while doing this is the scenery and not necessarily the mountains. I like the greenness of the trees and grass. I like how some of the courses add marshlands; different types of plants; flowers and bushes of unusual looks; old looking trees. But what pisses me off is when other golfers leave aluminum cans, beer bottles, empty golf ball sleeves, discarded cups, etc all over the bushes or even in the fairway. Can you not have enough respect for your surroundings to put them in a trash can WHICH ARE NORMALLY FOUND AT THE TEE BOX OF EACH FUCKING HOLE?!! Plus, to the other golfers who WALK ON BY the remains these slobs leave behind, can't you be decent enough to pick it up? I have collected a half bag of garbage in 2008 at least. 2009 started with a candy bar wrapper and a glass bottle of O'Doulls.
   
2. Shopping carts. I usually park near a cart return so when I am done I walk over and toss it with the others. If I am in a lot without one I am bad and will leave the cart on the median. So, I am not perfect with that, but fuck man, when you park your car and the cart return is across the spot from your car can you at least turn the fuck around and walk it across to the return??! For God sakes man, it's 15 feet! That is laziness at it's most horrid. They should be banned from shopping unless they can carry the goods in their hands. No cart for you.
   
3. Office Coffee. Hello….if you take the last cup of coffee take the 30 seconds to dump the grounds into the trash; grab a filter; open a new bag of coffee; dump the coffee into the filter; put it into the machine; press START. How fucking hard is that??? Apparently way hard because every morning I make coffee and when I go to get a second cup the pot is empty. At 10am. 10! Fucking inconsiderate people are driving me nuts. When there are 2 coffee stations I can visit and BOTH are empty (with the heater burning a 1/32" of coffee) it fucking eats at me.
   

While I am not perfect, and Lord knows I am SOOOOO far from that, I at least take pride in knowing I try not to leave a mess of my surroundings or inconvenience people if possible. I'd hope for people to stop being little prima-donnas in 2009 (hmm, I know how that name holds true for a real Donna too) and start being a bit more respectful to Nature and Man.

I know that's a pipe dream. But at least it's a little dream in a world filled with crap – figuratively and literally.

WTF Friday

Here we go again.
The 15 minutes of infamy that Joe da Plummer has acquired from John McCain has yet to expire. In fact, it's being shipped over seas to the Gaza strip - as a war correspondent. That's akin to shipping me to England to watch the battle between soccer teams. I have seen soccer matches on TV, but does that make qualified to blog about it or even ask intelligent questions from the watchers/participants??

I was watching the Daily Show when they covered this and one clip showed Joe discussing how he was watching TV and reading articles to prepare himself to be a journalist. Plus he wants to "pronunciate" the names right so that's why he's watching the tube so much too.

Oh brother.

The next Hemingway tells NBC News he will try to explain Israel's reason for the offensive against Hamas. "I get to go over there and let their 'average Joes' share their story, what they think, how they feel, especially with world opinion," he said. "It's very tragic," he said of the rising death toll. "But at the same time what are the Israeli people supposed to do?"

Joe, NO ONE KNOWS AND NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN IT.
You really think you're down to earth reasoning will shed light on this struggle and all will be resolved? do you think the "average joes" will shed anything special other than - Fuck, make the bombs stop falling??

Joe - So, hey, howya doing? Whatcha think about this whole war thing?
Hamas Joe - حركة المقاومة الاسلامية
Joe - Huh? You from Jersey? That's a strange accent.
Interpreter - No, moron, he said - I don't like the bombs, Mr. bald penis head.
Joe - Oh. Well, ask him if he wants a free copy of my book so he has something to read and I will put in a good word with God to make sure he's protected.
Hamas Joe - حركة المقاومة الاسلامية!!

Interpreter - Um, I'm going to stand over here away from you for a bit. Don't want to get my clothes covered in blood.....

Three For Thursday

Three things for my life in three sentences....

1. XBOX 360
a. Way addicting and has sucked much of my free time each and every night - COGolfBuddy is my username.
b. Fallout3; Rock Band 2; Gears of War 2; Halo3; Left 4 Dead all kick major ass and the online play for Gear and Left 4 Dead make it well worth the money as does the immense solo play of Fallout 3 which has ove r100 visitable locations.
c. My only concern is with the amount of game add-ons and the ability to download the game disk to the hard drive (for smoother play) I am running out of space and might have to invest in a bigger drive.

2. Work
a. We are feeling the crunch from the Cali budget crisis and our work there is on hold until they can get some $$$ to pay us and the rest of the Highway/Bridge projects.
b. Ever since they closed down the offices the last week of the year people have now been calling or entering tickets non-stop for work issues to the point I have eaten lunch at my deks 4 days in a row and have not had anytime to pee.
c. Our organization is also going through a re-org in whcih we'll be moving to a centralized enterprise model rather than a regional one which will mean MORE work and less lunch.

3. Home
a. Fucking Rowdy is claiming he's broke and wont even fess up $25 to help pay his SON's medical charge when poor lane was sick.
b. Fucking Rowdy is a douchebag
c. Did I mention that I hate the drama in my life and I don't think it will ever end - even if I die I am sure they'll haunt me into the afterlife down in Hell.

History Will Tell....

In some of what my idiot brother keeps sending me in emails about GWB (not to be confused with GPBP (good puppet bad puppet) or CGB (colorado golf buddy)) is that he (W), as well as Laura, think that History [not Man] will show how great George's presidency was during the last 8 years.
Now, I am not one to put much trust into History considering it's all a compilation of opinions and views that sometimes hold no factual basis. In fact, even facts can be manipulated to support your own view or opinion.
Such is the case when it comes to predictions by so-called psychics, astrologists or “thinkers” like the Amazing Kreskin. Even Nostradamus had predictions that folks made come true by manipulating facts or making reaches in logic to twist the events that seem close to the mark.
This got me to thinking that I could be a prognosticator for things that will happen in 2009.
So, I present….

Yetitradamus predicts…..
…… that a supserstar couple will split causing their 14 children to be abandoned in Nebraska before the loop hole is closed for good. They will make up late in the year and adopt those children back; plus one from Canada
…..speaking of Canada; they finally succumb to the American desire for quadruple cheeseburgers and fries with a diet coke. Instead of beef they use beaver. This causes many Canadians to chew bark as a laxative.
…..a cartoon version of an unpopular President will again hit the airwaves in a satirical view of his moronic time in office. Yetitradamus hopes it will not star Frank Caliendo.
….despite the fact that a technological necessity has been deemed to cause sterilization in men and women it will not cease to be popular but instead will be shipped to China in bulk to try and stop the wave of wee Wang Wie’s being born since little Barbie Hsu’s are being personally handled by their parents.
….sales of burlap sack, rope and chains will decrease in China for the first time in 150 years.
……horrors from the West shall emerge in the form of a miniature version of a spoiled, talentless, skank with millions thanks to parents wealth. Yetitradamus will try to eat this monstrosity with chopsticks.
……a sports team from the East will dominate it’s sport and cause millions to weep at their success. Yetitradamus will not weep since he has no emotions.
…..despite the claim from the Amazing Kreskin, travel by train will not become more popular. Kreskin is a MORON. It shall be covered wagon and ponies. Who doesn’t like a pony.
….an irrelevant collection of electronic words will continue to stimulate no one and provide no worthy contribution to civilization nor improving the quality of life for anyone it touches.

So sayeth YETITRADAMUS….
(queue creepy music)

The Past

Looking back at 2008 there were many things I would have changed. Half of which I will take to the grave with me. The other half I drank out of my memory.

But it wasn't all bad.
I got to spend time with Loki even though we're now with different companies.
Same with Butters.
I beat them both to win the 2008 Busta Nut Cup (our parody of the Fed-Ex cup in Golf).
Many people I never thought would contact me did through Facebook.
I lasted 8 months at my new job while others didn't.
The one President I cast a vote for since the Ross Perot days actually won.
I got to see Brett Favre as my QB despite the fact he sucked and cost the coach his job.
Someone other than the RedSox went to the World Series - THANK GOD.
The Patriots were denied a repeat visit as well - AMEN BROTHER.

Maybe 2009 will keep me on the straight and narrow.
Then again it could be the gateway to debauchery and liberating good times.

May your 2009 be healthy and happy.
Unless you're happy being sick and miserable and then I hope you're shitty and feeling like crap.