Forrrrrrre!

So Team Handicapped (Randy, Chris, Dan and Kevin) played in two golf tournaments this past month. On July 23rd we played the Marianna Butte course and then we played the South Ridge course in Fort Collins. Both are great courses and we shot under par each day. The one in Loveland on Friday (21st) we shot an amazing 11 under par. That was good enough for 6th place. On Sunday we did half as good and shot 5 under. Probably good enough for like 10th.

The course at Marianna is set within the foothills of Loveland and is a very tough course. But we played it like a child's game. It's wide open fairways provided little resistance to our monster drives! Not all drives were good and some of us had to wear the "dick-out" hat for not getting our drives past the woman's or kid's tees. I also had to make the rule that if you were furthest from a par 3 hole you had to wear the hat. Hence I did because of that rule. I'm a dumbass.



At the South Ridge event they had some very interesting competitions. One involved getting a mulligan (a free try) when you bought a shot of alcohol. Randy and Chris bought some considering they couldn't make it to the green. Another involved getting closest to a keg of beer on your first shot in order to win it. Randy found some irony in that hole's sponsorship sign and that of the course.



The South Ridge tournament was actually a charity event for a young woman who died in a car accident a couple years back. Her family raises money in memory of her and provides single mothers with scholarships. I think this year they raised over 50K. They have a dinner with the price of your entry fee, with additional tickets for spouses and children available also. So I brought Raven, Ann and Shannon to the dinner this year. The girls had fun acting all goofy.



I am excited we played so well and look forward to doing the tournaments again next year! Hopefully we can do better than 6th and avoid wearing the pink pimp hat!
Right Randy??!!

Vacation - Horror Story 4

This last vacation day was spent in Six Flags, Elitch’s, down in Denver. The weather reports were calling (again) for thunderstorms to start around noon. So we figured we'd give it a shot anyway. Maybe the threat of rain would scare some folks away. We had some decent coupons for BOGO so it helped with the decision.

The selection of rides was decent enough to keep us all happy. I like the roller coasters and Ann likes the rides that toss your stomach into upheaval. For her the Spider, Thunderbolt and Shake Rattle and Roll were the main attractions. I liked the knock-off Superman roller coaster where you twist flying through the turns like Superman flying over Metropolis. Then there was the Mind Eraser which kept your feet dangling under the seats. Oh and the Whiplash that brought you forward into a loop and then backwards through the same loop on the way back to the start. That one sucked because we had to walk up 4 stories to get to the top of the ride.


The kids went on some of these, but preferred the boat ride which soaked every inch of your body and clothes with cool water when it slammed into the pond at the end of the ride. Then when you go to the exit you have to cross over a covered bridge which ends up getting slammed with a 20 foot wall of water each time the boat hits the pond. It’s an intense wave that would wash you away if it wasn’t for the railings.

We dried out from that by going on some fast rides. Unfortunately for Raven, she tossed some cookies at the "Round Them Up" ride. The poor girl went from a nice shade of pink (same color as her shirt)to ashen in a matter of 60 seconds.


That was a good sign that the girls should head to the water park. Elitches has the regular rides and then has a miniature water park also. There were many of the standard tube rides in which you go down slides or float gracefully down a river. There also was a new one that swirled you around like a toilet bowl.


I lost my bathing suit somewhere in the actions of cleaning out my closet, so I wandered around shopping and taking gay pictures of flowers. If it was a flower and it wasn't dead, i snapped a picture.


Soon the kids had tired of the water and we saw the skies start to darken. But we did have enough time to squeeze in the incredibly lame Batman stunt show. The actors lip-sync’d the entire show and, while the stunts were fairly good for such a small area, they kinda were predictable and DULLLLL.


Still, I have to give them credit for going out there and having fun - as did we. I ended up buying this pink pimp hat to use for our golf tournaments as the "dick-out" penalty hat. It came in handy and future posts will show the hat in use. But for now, Raven and Shannon posed with their new head of hair before we left the park for the day 6 hrs later! So much for the rain.....or so we thought.


About 10 minutes after leaving the park the sky opened and the rains fell hard. This flooded much of I-25. We had to detour off the backed-up highway and, after grabbing some BK, we headed home on the back roads. It took us almost twice as long, but it gave me time to ponder why Superman chose to become a trash sweeper for his retirement. Maybe it’s part of his master plan to nab Lex Luther when he shows up with his great grandchildren.

Like Randomness?

Then you might like Quiz Galaxy.
http://www.quizgalaxy.com/quizzes.php

Here you can find out what you might be listed as in the dictionary, why you're in Hell, where you buried your Pirate treasure and even what's your epitaph.

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Brandi published this on her blog first (http://brandismusings.blogspot.com/)so thanks to her for turning me onto the site. She specializes in random thoughts and why her life sucks because she can't find a decent guy. Good reading for those trying to kill time at work.

Vacation - Horror Story 3

Despite the name, this story isn't really one of horror. I just wanted to keep the naming the same. For this trip we (Ann, Kevin, Shannon and Raven) took a little spin over the mountains and through the Continental Divide to see Ann's son, Avery. Turns out he works for a stable and was able to hook us up with a free horseback ride.

(all of us on horses - Avery is on the left side with the baseball hat)

Little did I know, this was almost the death of me.

I never have liked riding horses due to the fact I got tossed when I was 10 and landed on my skull. But to appease the family I decided to participate in the day's activity. The horse I was allowed to ride, who had a name inappropriate to it's size (Toad), was a very gentle horse. It was also HUGE. I stand 6' 2" and I could barley see over the saddle. In fact, I couldn't get my leg up high enough to get into the stirrup. Avery had to lower the leather straps a bit before I could swing up onto the beast.

Eventually all the riders were on their horses and we set off on our little adventure. The trail wound through part of the town of Grand Lake, Colorado and into the woods. We were 10 minute into the ride when my horse stumbled going downhill through a narrow part of the trail. His hind leg buckled due to a loose rock and my leg flew out of the stirrup. I was expecting the horse to roll to the right and pinning me under it's gazillion pounds of glue base, but it righted itself and I was able to recover as well.

(The path where I almost died)

The rest of the trip was very relaxing and the scenery was pleasant. We got to see an old graveyard along the way and a white birch tree that was used by a moose to clean it's antlers. The grooves on the tree was above my head by a couple of feet. There also was a stretch of woods where the wind had knocked down tons of trees. Supposedly it was Indian territory at one point in time and their ghosts still inhabited the woods. It was kinda eerie to hear the wind blow the trees knowing that that same wind blew for the previous travelers ages ago.

(spoooky)

We didn’t get to see any live moose but the trip was worth it. Turns out that a week later Avery was again guiding another group down the same trail when they came across a moose sitting in the path. It stood up and caused Avery’s horse to backpedal. Unfortunately it also spooked the horse behind Avery’s and was about to toss a small girl from it’s back. That was until Avery reached over and grabbed her from the horse in time. What a good step-son I have.

Anyway, after our excursion into the forest I took the kids and Ann to lunch at Pancho and Lefties. It’s crappy Mexican food, but the only place to eat in town. The trip home was nice and we got to see some elk just chillin by the road side. All in all a great day to not be at work!!

Vacation - Horror Story 2

For those who didn't know, Colorado is in a nice drought. This has probably been for the last few months. So it wasn't a surprise that my luck would be that it would RAIN the one freakin day that I got kick ass Rockies baseball tickets. I should have took that $ tossed it into the crapper and flush. I mean, Row 24, Section 136, that's pretty nice for a Sunday game.



Well, we did have fun though. It was Shannon, Ann, me and Raven sitting in the misty rain with a sub-freezing windchill, watching the Rockies battle it out against the Diamondbacks. The girls stuffed themselves with cotton candy and the grown-ups ate Rockie dogs and brats. We also people watched and got a huge kick out of a beer vendor that sounded like he could be one of Santa's Elves. Seriously, his high squeeked voice, like a midget on helium, just made me piss myself. Although that could have been because my bladder control sucks, but I want to blame it on the beer vendor's melodic voice.



Before the game, while it was raining a tad bit harder, we posed for some pictures. This was an area devoted to the kids, but hey, what else can four grown kids do to shake the rainy day blues?



Eventually the rain was too much and we headed out in the bottom of the 6th inning. Raven was wearing shorts that didn't keep her warm enough and Shannon was soaked to the bone. Needless to say, we didn't avoid any puddles on the walk back to the car and soaked whatever was dry. We headed to a local mexican restaurant called Casa Bonita. This giant (and by giant I mean GIGANTIC) place has like 8 different eating areas, an arcade, gift shop, and diving platform and mini-lagoon. While you eat they put on a couple of shows on a balcony overlooking the lagoon. Then they dive off like miniature cliff divers. One show involves a western shootout between the sherif and Black Bart. Another is witha gorilla (don't ask - probably a Gorilla's in the Mist thing) and then a guy does different dives from different rock levels. The food isn't too bad, but it's the atmosphere and good service that's the drawing power.

So what was a bad day kinda turned nice despite the rain. But this day started a string of events that lead into vacation horror - 1 (which was actually 2)and then into the Vacation Horror -3 (soon to be released along with a mini-horror story about my car). I know you're all on the edge of your seats just waiting to see what happened next on Fox's WHEN VACATIONS ATTACK.

Comedian Red Buttons dies in L.A. at 87

Not to be crude....but....FINALLY. It's just always sad to see a man outlive his career by 60 years.

Vacation - Horror Story 1

So my daughter is in town and I decided to take her to the Rocky Mountain National Park. To get to the park you have to drive a 22 mile road that winds through a canyon.


The canyon was uneventful. Estes Park closed the center of town due to a Rodeo Parade at 10:30. A parade during the week? What a bunch of dorks. This meant we were detured to the North edge of the park. This was cool since we wanted to see Trail Ridge Road, which happens to be the highest paved road in the continental USA.

The day was sunny and bright. Not too many clouds in the sky until later in the day. This plays into the end of the tale, so keep this in the back of your mind.

During the ride up we stopped at the usual scenic points. We even took a trail 1/4 mile up past 12K feet to see mushroom rock and a cool outcropping with a circular map on top. The map showed the items you could see in the horizon and their distances from you. Also, it indicated mountain heights plus items (such as the Grand Canyon) that you couldn't see.



We eventually made it all the way up to the Alpine Center at the top of the mountain. This place was mobbed. I am talking filled to the gills with cars. It took us 5 minutes to just make a loop in the parking lotand exit to make our descent back home.

This is where I noticed my battery gauge was reading almost L. I tried to keep the car moving down the 6 mile stretch of winding mountain road. I just needed to make it into Estes. I came up short in that goal.

One stroke of luck was the truck shut off completely near a parking area. I was able to coast in gear and pull into the lot despite the lack of power steering or power brakes.

Unfortunately cell service was inexistent. This meant we had to walk down the mountain until we got phone service. Luckily we got blessed and an elderly couple from TX picked us up and drove us to the Ranger station. From there I was able to get ahold of the cavalery.

We did, however had to walk a mile to the Visitor Center where Ann was coming to save our bacon. Remember the clear skies? They left; pushed aside rudely by black rain clouds and thunder. We picked up our pace with these bastards chasing us and made it to shelter with minutes to spare.

So we wait for help to arrive. Raven reads a book and I write this Blog. I also pray the battery works to get me back to Loveland. If not, consider this my last will and testament as we starve to death. Unless we re-enact the Donner party's treck through the mountains.

Hmmm....tourist. Them's good eaten. Way better than marmots.

Guest Blogger - Casmar

Since I am on a 2 week vacation I was thrilled to see a guest blog come into my inbox from Casmar. I am going to try and blog about my recent Rockies game and subsequent dinner at Casa Bonita. But in the meantime...herrrrrrrrrrre's Casmar.

Driving Test
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer below:



Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

I Sympathize With Kim Jong Il

You know, everybody is on Kim Jong Il's case and I'm tired of it. Do you think it is easy to wake up everyday in the pajamas you wore the whole week before and having not washed your hair in a month? And on top of that you have all this foreign policy to think about, 'who should I aim that missile at today?' 'How can I take the food away from my people and have them worship me?'

The plight of Kim Jong Il should be a lesson to all of us. Most people who are completely, totally, and irretrievably around-the-bend nuts only have to worry about where to drool or how many nails they have to put into their birdhouse in the workshop, or how to keep the nurse from putting cigarattes out on their shoulders. This guy is just as crazy, if not crazier, but has lots of responsibilities. I mean, with all those neighboring countries, who would it be most fun to piss off? And he's got to ask himself, 'If our LongDong II missiles really can reach Sacramento, how many could we really fire before the jig is up?'

We should feel sorry for him. I'm just saying, it can't be easy to be mentally ill and run a country. Of course, we are managing OK I guess, or are we? Anyway, it's pretty obvious from Kim Jong's results that it's not for everybody.

Guest Blog - Briamtheman

April, 2006. Somewhere in Florida. Were definitely not in South Beach, Toto. All I know about Greek Music is some guy named Zorba. And I don't think he's cut any albums lately, unless he contributed to the last posthumous Tupac CD.

But isn't it a little hot for those long pants and the cap? Really? And the turtelneck? Holy shit, it's like 80 degrees here in December. I guess the Greeks like it hot. This guy sure knows how to rock the white-man-overbite.

You've seen this guy before. C'mon, you know you have. Out dancing. Elbows at his sides doing the T-rex dance. Every now and then raising his arms when the music rocks out so you can see the little sweat circles around his pits. The Danny Terrio cap. Some serious thick gold going on, perhaps. He's still trying to relive the days from when the camera swept over him for 1.7 seconds in that Dance Fever episode, recorded for eternity on a grainy Beta cassette. He'll show his kids one day, when he finds a woman willing to spawn with him.

I needed to find out more about this guy. You know, like you should just keep-moving-on-nothing-to-see-here, but are drawn to it like a car wreck. So I opened the door to the little store under the GREEK MUSIC wall.



To be continued.

Happy Belated 4th of July!!!

I'll take a quick breather and crawl out from underneath the Hammer of Thor my boss has smacked down upon me and write a little bit about my 4th of July. It's not too exciting. Basically Ann and I headed down to Lake Loveland, situated within the city's limits, and picnic in a grassy spot on the shore. We did this last year too. The city shoots fireworks over the lake and we just hang out for 10 hrs and chill the day away.





It's not as peaceful as it seems. For one, the boaters are in front and the main drag (Rt 34) is behind us. But, this is the best place in town to see fireworks (albeit it not until 9hrs after we have plopped our fat asses on the ground. Aside from partaking in some "alkeehol" (which almost got confiscated by a policenazi) the main thrill is people watching. Boy did we have some fun. To the right of us sat down the strangest redneck trailer trash we have ever seen in public. The one cowboy friend of the family was wearing a red wife beater, jeans (it's 90 out mind you), a small belt buckle plus roller blades. Did I forget the cowboy hat and chew. He had chew. Oh and he had a farmers tan so it stopped about the elbow. The rest of his arm was white up to the armpits. And he had a hat tan. His face was tan and his forehead was white.

The husband was a young man about the size of a wet dog who looked like Eminem on a crack diet. His wife and the mother of a wild haired 2yr old, still had her pregnancy fat because it kept peaking out from her white teddy top. Hopefully it was preggo fat, because if she was knocked up again she was making a smoked fetus the way she sucked Parliments. She wore these light blue (and mercifully thigh length) gym shorts. Oh and white socks pulled up to her knees. They brought folding chairs in a little rusty red wagon. The cooler, which I would have expected to have Busch beer actually had fireworks. I am guessing the beer they kept in the baby stroller.


(Ann wearing her 4th of July garb - you can see the folding chairs in the backround)

Anyway, they arrived a little after we did, set up shop under a tree and proceeded to try and light fireworks with the 2yr old. Eventually they got bored of trying to rush the kid into adult-redneck-hood and packed everything back up. Except the tarp and a blanket which they secured to the ground with giant rocks. Apparently the roller blading cowboy got them an "eeenvite to ah purty". So they staked their claim to the land under the tree and vacated. 8 hrs later they came back with a bunch of fat women pushing baby carriages, an elderly lady carrying her bladder thingy in a WalMart bag, and more redneck boys who kept trying to wrassle each other to the ground. I guess Brokeback Mountain wasn't too far off.


(Lane and Ann enjoy the show while in the background the rednecks enjoy some Ho-Hos)

Actually before the show, the rednecks lit their own fireworks off, and almost took out a couple of families in the first row. You would think that maybe they would have walked down the hill to the lake shore where it was safer. Guess intelligence had the day off like the rest of us working stiffs.

Luckily for us, our grandson came for his first 4th of July and got to enjoy some pretty good fireworks. Lane's in the picture with his father, Rowdy. Yes, that is his name - Rowdy. I didn't name him so no comments my way.



All in all it was a fun day. One that I am glad I got to experience.
Oh, and one good thing that happened was that I got a taste of NY cookin!!
A relocated firefighter from Queens set up a stand and was selling Sabretts hot dogs. I have not had those since I left NY. You can't get them around here. He's got to fly them into Denver and have them delivered. Talk about dedication to his roots! I'm first in line next year for sure.

Sigh

So comes the end of another month and with that month there was lots of interesting items. One common theme of the last week of the month revolves around Porn.
Not only did my wife's co-worker get fired for surfing it on the job, but an employee that just left my company had a secret stash of the monkey spanking entertainment.

It's amazing what companies will allow to pass through their firewalls. Just imagine what your home PC can provide. So keep an eye out and keep your hands out of your pants.